“Life is too short to be uncomfortable”

Those are the wise words of one Miss Meghan Tonjes. If you don’t know her, then I’m sad for you, but it’s ok because I’m here now 😂

Meghan is a youtuber, singer/songwriter and also has an amazingly funny podcast called Adventures in Roommating. She is extremely honest about her body and food issues and she started #bootyrevolution and posts pics of her booty when she is having a positive body image day. I respect her for her talents, her confidence and her truthfulness. Click the link to watch the video I quoted in the title 🙂 

Life is too short; wear a crop top  
If you have struggled with your weight, your confidence, societal pressure to be a certain way, are in ed recovery or have ever felt ashamed of your body, then you should watch the video, because Meghan hits the nail on the head: life is just too short. 

Xoxo

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The 1st appointment 

I had my first dietitian appointment today, so I was pretty nervous about meeting somebody new and having to say things aloud. She was really nice though, and guess what my first task is?

Yep. 

You got it. 

Food diary. 

Shocker 😂 I sort of feel a bit apathetic about it because I have done these so many times, but for once I don’t feel overwhelmed by it. All I need to change at first are 2 things that aren’t completely out of control and new.

Haven’t decided exactly how, but I do what to document (what I hope will be) a positive process, so updates are coming!

How are you? Yes you, person reading this? Write in the comments! Xx

What I know about myself. 

My mental illnesses take up a lot of brain space, and that can make it hard to figure out my identity & what kind of person I am without all of those struggles.

1. Close friendships are very important to me. I’m not interested in meeting heaps of new people, or socialising in large groups. But if I’m your friend I could discuss life with you for hours! Those one on one relationships are of great value to me, and I try to be thoughtful and loyal to the small group of people who matter to me. 

2. I find it hard to admit I’m wrong. Most of the time I won’t make comments that I’m unsure about, but if I say something that’s incorrect then I HATE that I’m wrong. It’s imperfect, and I get cross at myself. 

3.  I like going for walks in the woods/ fields/ somewhere pretty. Quiet walks are soooo relaxing to me. (Especially if I’m staying with my parents and can take my dog!) 

4.  I am uncomfortable with conflict. I can’t deal with anger and find it best for my own sanity to walk away & have a calmer discussion at another time. 

5.  I’d always prefer to type a message to someone than speak face to face. I can be more honest and say things that are more thought out if it’s over messenger, and the time to construct what I want to say is important to me because it stops me stumbling and feeling embarrassed (which is how’d I’d feel if I had a conversation about a serious topic face to face)

6. I’m an animal lover. One day I will live in a house with lots of pets & give them so much love and attention. ❤️

7. Starbucks cookie dough frappucino is the best drink. I love it. I would have one everyday if I could. They rule. Ok you get my point. 😂

8. I’m not usually bothered about following trends or doing something because other people are. Unless I like something, I don’t wear it. It doesn’t matter to me if my style isn’t like other people’s, because it’s stupid to buy things you don’t like!

Where am I with you right now?

I feel like having an eating disorder is like being in this weird relationship. There’s love, hate, guilt, obligations. It’s complicated and time consuming and at the moment I feel like me and my eating disorder are at a road block. For the first time, I have contacted a dietitian of my own accord (I saw one before when I was in young people’s services but eventually got discharged for skipping appointments) and I thought that I really wanted to do this. I tried to eat more calories for a couple of days and it totally scared me. Today I restricted and now all I want is to keep going and going and get the body I want. I want my illness, while simultaneously not wanting it at the same time. 

My eating disorder doesn’t want me to be free, but I feel like the real me definitely does want freedom. The real me doesn’t want to be typing a conversation I’ve had with a voice in my head. The real me wants to be just like everybody else. 

My eating disorder wants me to be special though, and surely being a well person and not having this “special” thing isn’t good enough. What the fuck even is good enough?