So. Many. Triggers.

I feel like the amount of things triggering my ED has skyrocketed lately. I mean I’m pretty sensitive as it is, but at the moment so many things are getting me.

My own reflection is usually a source of daily confusion, but today was a nightmare. One class, I was wearing a sports bra and shorts just like lots of others, and be it the angle or the lighting or who knows what, I could see the definition in my abs. 30 minutes later and my stomach looked enormous. Then comes the rumination over what other people could have seen when they looked at me and what they were thinking… FML. 

I’m also feeling really competitive at the moment. My brain is constantly telling me I don’t have a problem, and that’s making it hard to stick to my meal plan when I feel so fat and unworthy of even having an eating disorder.

Oh help. 

The cycle of overwhelm.

To say I’d been emotional this week would be a huge understatement. Usually my medication makes me find it fairly hard to cry, but I seem to have turned into a physical embodiment of the song cry me a river. Graduation is approaching, and with  that comes a lot of feelings. It’s definitely an exciting time, but I want to enjoy my last days of student classes and time with the people I’ve really bonded with over the last years.  I think that some people have gotten  too big for their boots, and others would leave today if they could, and so there is an air of “fuck this” in the atmosphere. In a girl dominated environment, the bitchiness has reached a high and I’m utterly sick of feeling that who I am isn’t good enough for those around me. 

If I were a more confident person, I think I would have handled some disagreements and bitching this week in a way that didn’t destroy my sanity so much, but unfortunately I’m not in that place yet. Anything that has upset someone else has caused me such extreme inner pain that thoughts of suicide have been really prominent. 

I’m typing as I’m sat on a train going home to see my family. There’s only so many times a girl can call her Mum crying before you just need a hug, right? So this weekend is going to be about me. Fuck everyone else for a brief moment in time, and let’s have time with my mummy and my animals.  

I’ve been trapped in the cycle of feeling overwhelmed, being hysterical and crying, feeling guilty, then wanting to do something self destructing, and by the time that’s done, something else overwhelming has come along. It’s exhausting and I’m done with it. I’m also quietly anxious about waiting for a response from my dietitian, because I messaged her about how I’m feeling re wanting to lose weight and simultaneously recover. I know it’s dumb, but I need someone else to tell me it. No reply as yet, so I hope I didn’t make her mad.

Hope everyone is doing ok. Well done to anyone who made it to the end of the massive rant. 😂 xoxox

No time vs not a priority.

I have a part time job to pay my rent while I’m training as a dancer/ performer. My current job can be done from home (🙏🏻 I love my pyjamas), and so I usually have YouTube open when I’m not on the phone. 

Today was no different, until I came across an old Kati Morton journal topic that grabbed my attention. What things am I avoiding? Is it really that I lack the time, or am I not prioritising all the right things? 

I graduate soon, out into the scary (and also exciting!) unknown world, and I could be doing a one year distance learning course… That’s if I actually did the application. I realised that the reason I’m not doing it isn’t lack of time; it’s just not my priority right now. Something that should be a greater priority than it is is my Happiness Journal (super cool & you should totally follow them on Instagram and look how cool they are). I’ve done it some days, but other times I palm it off by mentally saying I don’t have time. 

What about the 3 hours it took me to fall asleep? Could have done it then. Or the 5 minutes I spent scrolling through Twitter? Could have done it then too. 

It’s so simple, but assessing if it’s my priorities that need alterations or whether I’ve got too many things already filling my time has helped me see that managing my mood needs to be prioritised. 

But, kudos to myself for actually doing my food diary. Just saying.. 

Housemating.

If you’re a student, or have ever been one, you are probably familiar with the pile of dishes that “nobody used”, the “I swear it’s you turn to buy …..” Argument, and the fact that there will never be an agreement with the heating that suits everybody. In my first year of studying, the house I shared was 6 bedrooms plus a shared kitchen area. By kitchen, I mean an oven that cooked slower than anything I’ve ever known, and by shared, I mean we have one cupboard each. Basically, it sucked. 

I made some good friends, but I learned that I hate being around people so much and also proved to me that my obsessions about cleanliness really are very contrasting to those of other people. 

I’ve since lived in a 2 bed house which is much more suitable for my personality. But my obsessions with things continue to make it challenging sometimes. For me, I can’t understand why anybody would ever leave things on the floor, or have a pile that isn’t organised. I have to accept that other people don’t want to waste their time tidying, however I don’t really know where normal actually is, or when others are being too messy. 

Anyone else find themselves consistently tidier and more worried about maintaining that than their housemates?

Anyone live alone and like it? 

Xxx

One tiny problem…

So the problem with eating breakfast, a snack, and lunch, is that recently I’ve had a few hectic days followed by a few days off. Days off mean I lay in bed until lunchtime. Today I’ve tried to catch up on my meal plan, but I have to say I haven’t done very well on a lot of days. Being busy was a good excuse to eat less or eat the wrong things or skip food, and getting up late just starts me off behind on my food. 

Come on self. Get it together. (There’s a pep talk and a half eh?)

Dietitians, the fat feeling & overthinking central.

I have some goals with my food intake that I’m doing my best to achieve. I’m honestly finding that each day is different. Sometimes I can wake up and eat a full breakfast and feel ok, but other days I’m too uncomfortable with the amount of calories in the meal to eat it. I’ve already realised that I’m soooo used to living in a hungry state, and when I have eaten my breakfast I have fewer thoughts about food and cravings in the following hours. Who would have thought that maybe, just maybe, people who eat normally don’t spend their whole lives overanalysing food? LOL AT MY LIFE 

Today was predominantly very relaxing and equally productive, until a worry came in and brought along with it the fat feeling. Basically any emotion has the power to make me feel fat, and feeling fat then makes me feel angry & disappointed in myself for being as imperfect and flabby as I am. Nothing and nobody can calm my feelings of fatness, and unfortunately that’s just the way it is. 

Do any of you relate to feeling fat? How do you handle it? 

When I get stuck in thought cycles about my body, I find it such a challenge to stop overthinking. This has always been a trait of mine, but it’s been exaggerated by OCD. Fingers crossed the feelings are so strong in the morning

Night xoxo