I ended up spending an hour talking about food and my family in a dietitians appointment yesterday. Holy Jesus there were SO MANY THINGS TO SAY! I’ve realised how abnormal and triggering both my parents are in relation to food and body judgements, and it changes my emotions dramatically when they comment aloud on themselves negatively, or judge others very harshly.
What if they are judging me?
Don’t get me wrong, my parents love me, and they are intelligent, funny people, but nobody is perfect. My brothers don’t have any hang ups about their bodies and they both eat what they want when they want, so clearly I’m not going to place blame for my own problems on my family. It’s just coincidence that my personality and predisposition combines with my parents attitude to food and creates the perfect storm.
Their relationship isn’t straightforward either, and it often feels like I take in more worry and negative feelings about this than my siblings. Maybe that’s just because I’m more sensitive? I hope that some of the current snappiness between them is just an expression of their stress over some life changes that are on the horizon, but who knows (not me, because I only ever get part of the bloody story)
It’s been on my mind a lot lately, because I’m back home and begin with my parents makes food more difficult for me to handle. I don’t want things like this to be an excuse to not try to get better, as let’s face it, I’ve spent far too long doing that by now.
I have to say there was something so comforting about this session. I felt like I was being listened to and treated with some respect. I was able to ask questions and also to just say some of my main ED thoughts that are firing on all cylinders at the moment. I’m not sure if it sounds silly, but I felt like I was treated like a “real anorexic”. I must sound like a lunatic… But yeah. It felt validating for somebody to speak directly to me and say that dietitians don’t always like working with anorexia because it twists their words, and it’s difficult. It made it ok for me to feel that confusion and difficulty.
At fucking last.