There are a fair amount of people in my life who know I have an Eating Disorder. For some of those, the knowledge ends there. They accept this as a fact, but don’t understand or have the ability to empathise with the complex feelings and difficulties it brings along. Then there are the select few who listen to endless conversations with me, try to help me see the pros of recovery, and “get” me- the good and the bad parts.
The last few days I’ve felt a little isolated with my thoughts. Sharing them can sometimes be enough to lessen the stress I feel, but at the same time, nobody can ever have my disorder with my rules and my feelings. If nobody can ever 100% understand, then what’s the point?
I’m once again confused about recovery. Do I still want to get sicker or get better? I want all the benefits of being better, but I want my body to get smaller.
anadancer 
Thinking of you Anadancer and sending support. I’ve been in this place a lot myself and I know how confusing it can be “I’m once again confused about recovery. Do I still want to get sicker or get better? I want all the benefits of being better, but I want my body to get smaller.” And I know a lot of people in recovery feel the same conflict. Its a symptom of having an eating disorder – the disorder proposes that being smaller will bring you a better quality of life or answer some unresolved question about yourself and your value in the world and that is how it hooks you. I’m glad you have a few people to talk to and I’m glad that you are able to write openly in this blog. Do you know about Bodywhys? the Irish eating disorders association? they have an email support service alex@bodywhys.ie and I used it a LOT when I was in that back and forth place because it was a safe, contained place to talk and figure things out – and the people who read and reply are trained and informed about ed so its safer than talking to people who can mean well but – you know! sometimes there are other things going on… Anyway just wanted to share that with you as an optional resource x keep writing and keep fighting for yourself – you deserve freedom and freedom is possible xx Em
Thank you so much. I will definitely keep that address in mind, as you’re certainly right that other people can’t always know what to say for the best really. It’s tiring feeling so trapped but I never seem to get any further than this kind of contemplation.
Xx
Exactly!! I hate that people don’t get it or mainly that no one tries!! I think it’s just too scary for people to process so they don’t try to. Like society as a whole, hence why they make such a mockery out of it—oh she looks anorexic or oh you feel fat why don’t you just throw that up? You do t hear them outwardly mocking other disorders as much and the only reason I can think of is because they don’t understand it and can’t.
I think with eating disorders we perpetually will always have a split mind–that eating disorder thought process and our rational mind. We are impressive if we can u sweat and ourselves and our own rules!! Like why we have our own food rituals ya know? We are sooo complex and I think that complexity is why others can’t handle us–because it’s too much for their brains to process. It’s such an “irrational concept” for them. But since it’s our reality and it’s horrible, we get it but we are also then able to empathize with others so much better.
I think you’re right. It certainly is complex. I guess I don’t mind that people don’t always understand, as long as they aren’t making comments. Like don’t judge something you don’t know about! Thanks for your thoughts on this. Fingers crossed all those stupid “oh she must be anorexic” type comments will one day stop happening. #nostigma 🙂