Table for one. 

I know it’s Monday, but today is the first time I feel like I’ve taken in last weeks activities. In 7 days, I somehow managed to work 42 hours, do a 4 hour train journey, do an audition, spend 4 hours doing the return journey, go to the gym a few times, and then go back to London. Who knew there were so many hours available in a week?! Needless to say I’m pretty knackered! You’d think I’d be asleep like a log, but instead I’ve been struggling to fall asleep. 

My anxiety was pretty bad yesterday and that’s worn me out that little bit more. As of right now, I’m at a table for one. I can only do this when I’m in a huge city where nobody will know me. I feel like I’m alone, and for me and my ED that’s just perfect. I like it to be me and the food- like a special bit of the day that’s just ours. Wow. That’s not weird at all… 

I entered the place I’m eating at after being soaked from a sudden rainstorm. The waiter asked me (totally straight faced) if I had escaped the storm. No. Water is dropping off my face, do I look dry?! 

I’m sure he was trying to be funny, but when your clothes are soaked through its hard to see the humour 😂

Tomorrow I’m seeing friends as we are auditioning for something together. It will be lovely to have their company and support,but in the back of my mind I also know I will find it so hard not be disappointed if I was the only one not to get through this round. It’s a tricky one. Well, it hasn’t happened yet! FINGERS CROSSED. 

Think it’s time for a nap and some dry clothes when I get back! Hope everyone is having a good day xoxo

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The competition. 

As a naturally competitive person, the comparative aspect of my mental illness is huge. I saw somebody who I thought looked perfect at the gym today and immediately felt like I was a failure. I don’t like feeling this jealously towards people, but sometimes I can’t help it (especially if it’s a stranger like in this scenario). I’ve seen this person twice now and it’s winding me up that not only do I not look like her, but also that I can’t let it go enough for me to stop hating myself quite so much. I now feel bad for being so jealous, and equally just as bad for not looking how she does. 

Why are eating disorder a competition? They shouldn’t be, but I guess that obsessional drive keeps the behaviour going. Is there an eating disorder without obsession?

Sensitive people get tired. 

Today has got me thinking about how little the world values sensitivity. Most men think that emotions make them weak, and women are often seen as having less strength if they openly cry or express disappointment or hurt when things go wrong. “Putting on a brave face” is seemingly what the world wants, and that is why people suffer is silence so much. 

Sure, not everyone is a sensitive person (and FYI, sensitivity is a quality that I think helps me be both a good friend and a thoughtful, more generous person) but everyone has feelings, so why is it so hard for others to be a bit more considerate?

In a world that can be judgemental of sensitivity, us people who feel deeply and think carefully get worn down, frustrated and everntually get hurt. 

Showing a little extra love and thought never hurt anybody ❤️

Material motivations. 

It’s almost the weekend! Oh hang on, I work most weekends 😂

Today I want to have a chat with you guys about rewarding yourself throughout recovery. I’ve never been reckless with money, but I do like to find things I really like when I am buying myself something. That being said, I’ve been thinking about using successful points in my recovery and life in general as a reason to buy something for myself. 

As a general rule, I like buying gifts for others, but feel uncomfortable about getting anything for myself. It feels like I don’t deserve to be doing it most of the time. 

Material things definitely don’t create happiness by themselves, but they are important to me for two reasons:

1. On my down days, being able to listen to music or watch videos on an electronic device gives me distraction and a bit of comfort

2. Allowing myself something I like is good self care for me

What are your guys’ thoughts? Anybody else find it hard to treat themselves?

11:35 pm here, so I should definitely have my little eyes shut!

Xoxo 

The worst thing is waiting. 

I admit it, this is hard.

I graduated from a professional performing arts college in mid- July. I’m now attending auditions, trying to keep up my skills and working towards getting that golden first job. The worst thing is that you can’t control when that time is going to come, because sometimes you get cut in the first round because of how you look, or because of some reason that doesn’t relate to ability that you’ll never be told about. I could be too short for one thing, too tall for another- it’s luck of the draw (and sometimes there aren’t any clear guidelines so you have to turn up and find out if it’s for you or not!)

In some ways I like the responsibility of my own fitness and health and life in general, but equally, it’s a heavy load. It isn’t as easy to work on your split leaps as it is to keep up an academic skill leve, I don’t know, like a maths degree or something!

Right now I’m sat in a Starbucks feeling a bit crappy. They made my  frappucino taste like shit and I just received an email from an audition to let me know I didn’t get the part. Although I don’t have huge confidence in my abilities, I do have huge passion. I know I really want a performing job; and I also know that patience is not my strong point. Perhaps something better is on the cards, but it’s difficult to feel positive when you have no idea what and when your path will head in a direction you’re aiming for.

I won’t ever get feedback to know why something didn’t go in my favour  (which does make it feel less personal I suppose) but also leaves my mind free to wander! How invested I feel in each potential job varies according to how much warning and preparation there was for it. It’s easier to let it go when it hasn’t been on my mind beforehand for very long. 

Rambling over. 

#performerslifr