My dietitian has had to cancel our session tomorrow. On the one hand, this cuts my travelling slightly and means I can lie in tomorrow; on the other hand, I actually felt like I wanted to go to it. I had things to talk through and also a few small successes with food.
Basically, whenever I’m travelling to an audition in London I book a session, as the clinic is near where I lived when I was studying. That being said, rearranging isn’t as straightforward as when I lived a bike ride away! I feel guilty about having some negative feelings over the last minute change because it is totally not her fault, but at the same time I had mentally prepared for the session.
Right now my Eating Disorder is a huge focus in my life. It has been for a long time, however the lack of certainty in many aspects of my life at the moment make it feel like obsessing about food is all that’s there for me. I’m really not sure if I’m fat or thin either and it’s driving me crazy. My reflection changes all the time and my body dysmorphia is tiring due to all the ruminating and body checking.
I’m extremely conscious that my body feels tired and sore very easily after the gym, and things like that do worry me. Problem is, I don’t consider myself a “good” anorexic. My illness has never had me in inpatient treatment and I also feel like people don’t really worry that much about me anymore. I wish I had the answer and could just know how I look and how people perceive me.