I’m excited, my ED is scared.

As I type this, I’m on the plane to Tenerife. Goodbye England for 6 whole months! **now posting this from my room using the hotel wifi!**

Extremely excited to arrive, enjoy the sunshine, and start this new adventure. My ED however, isn’t quite on the same page. In fact, pretty much all my fears regarding my job and this new part of my life revolve around my body or food.What if I’m the biggest? What if I really struggle to eat the food? What if my dietitian comes up with a plan I’m not ok with? What if I gain lots of weight?  

And what if is the problem entirely. Of course I can’t guarantee answers to those questions, but I can guarantee that my dietitian/therapist will respond via whatsapp if something comes up that I need to query. Hopefully having that person there in my corner will help me to calm myself over the ED stuff.  

On a totally different note, they do food doctors cous cous pots on the plane. #winner

Hope everyone is having a great day 💕

Getting ready to move.

On Tuesday afternoon I fly to the Canary Islands to start my first professional dance contract. I’m going to be living abroad for 6 months, and my family are moving away from my childhood home and to a different city in the next month or two. It’s strange to think that my home won’t be home when I return. 

In amidst saying goodbye to the town I grew up in, I’ve been packing my suitcases and thinking about what’s to come. I can’t believe I’ve got a dance job, but I’m also nervous about the daytime activities I will be doing, as there are some types of fitness classes etc which I haven’t had to teach before. I know my rough schedule, although I don’t know how my induction period is going to work, or how quickly I will be thrown in. The control freak in me doesn’t like that 😂

I have therapy tomorrow which I’m glad about, however the homework was hard and it feels like there’s gonna be tonnes to talk about tomorrow! 

For now it’s my penultimate sleep in my childhood bedroom 💜❤️

A (not American) Thanksgiving.

As an English girl, today wasn’t a holiday for me. However I saw a YouTube video encouraging people to take the opportunity to be grateful for whatever is good in life right now. 

So… this year I am thankful for:

-My friends and their love and support, as well as all the memories we’ve made this year

-Close family members who care about me, make me laugh, and have confidence in me when I don’t

-Graduating and getting my first job; being fortunate to have a passion and use it

-Having a safe home that’s warm and cosy

-Finding (at long last) a professional who really knows how to work with eds & will ask me the tough questions 

-My pets, because animals are fab

For all you Americans: happy thanksgiving. Thank YOU for following my journey

Xoxo

Triggers.

I never used to think I had triggers. I used to just think my illness acted out for no reason, but now I notice triggers everywhere. 

As usual when I’m going to be meeting new people, I’m nervous about arriving at my new workplace and being the biggest of everyone. I’m concerned about the  daytime uniform- what if I look hideous in it!?

Today’s trigger was clothes shopping. I noticed there was a uk size 4 in Primark, which made me feel so big because there’s no way it would fit me. I ended up buying a couple of simple items from a different shop, although I never try things on in the store. 

I feel like I really need validation today. I need to be told I’m thin and that I don’t need to be nervous or scared. Nobody will do that though because I’m not thin anyway. 

#edstruggles

On the upside, I will be flying to my new home in Tenerife really soon!

EXCITING NEWS!

My week started off pretty crap, then I had a tiring (but extremely beneficial) therapy session on Wednesday, and finally on Friday I found out THAT I’VE GOT MY FIRST JOB! 

I’m not able to tell everyone yet until everyone at my current office job knows (and I hate keeping big secrets!) thanks to the anonymity of my blog, I can tell you guys all about it. 🙂 

I’m going to be working as a professional dancer in a 4* luxury Hotel in the Canary Islands. I speak decent Spanish, and this job combines my love of the language, and my lifelong passion to dance. I’m over the moon 🌟

I have a week or two to organise everything and fly to another country for 6 months, so naturally I’m also quite nervous. It will be scary to be somewhere totally new, and I will be nervous about finding my feet at work, however, right now I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it all goes smoothly. 

I truly hope this job turns out to be just as great as I’m imagining it to be. My life is really changing 

Xoxo

What makes a house a home?

As I’m not yet old enough or rich enough to have my own home, I have lived in student houses and am now looking at job prospects where you live in shared accommodation, rather than a more “normal” job where you would be living in your own flat/ renting a place. All this has got me thinking about which of my possessions make me feel at home wherever I am.

My fairy lights: the soft glow makes me feel relaxed and I will always picture them in the first place they were ever put in my bedroom!

My iPad: part of my routine when I arrive home at the end of the day is to use my iPad to listen or watch something I enjoy. Having choice over what I watch makes me feel like it’s my space and my time to unwind. 

Teddies: my teddies all have a story about why they are special. I like feeling surround by those happy memories. 

Lavender oil: crazy as it sounds, I’m so attached to different scents. Lavender in particular is one I love. Anyone else ever feel like a smell transports them to somewhere in their mind?

My colouring book: because I’m a big kid who likes making pretty stuff. 

Cosy pyjamas: nothing makes me feel at home more than the ability to wear my comfy pjs the second I’m through the door. Pyjamas are essentially my house clothes. Lol at me. 

Cards and photos: I love getting post, and I have a ribbon with tiny pegs that display my cards and photos. I have put up a selection of these in every room I’ve lived in. 

Bedtime privacy: feeling at home means the wifi connects automatically and I can lay in bed typing a blog, watching a video and/or listening to a podcast. I also love being alone for a short time before bed. This gives me time to be selfish for a bit and do whatever I want. 

What do you like to have around you?

Xoxo

Update.

Life is busy and I’m in a state of waiting. Waiting to move house, waiting for my first professional contract, waiting to know about the future. 

It’s difficult not to just fill the time with fears about what’s to come; it’s easy to focus on my illness and push my worries onto my body and food. While that’s my instinct, it isn’t what’s best for me. I spend time wishing that I could recover and simultaneously lose weight. If I was actually thin I could see that as an illogical thought. but I don’t feel like I look like I restrict or even try to control my body. I’m not sure what the truth of my situation is…

How is everybody? I love reading posts about peoples recovery successes, so here’s a tiny one of mine: 

I tried peanut butter and liked it! I never try new things, so it was an achievement to find something I like that’s out of my usual comfort zone. #win

The good bits.

For no apparent reason I’m feeling a bit down this evening, so I’m just gonna share a few good things about my day with your all. 

1. I got lots of my to do’s done today. 

2. My cat cuddled up to me on the sofa and it was adorable 🐱

3. Felt good about my session in the gym today. 

4. I had a nice bath earlier.

5. I’m now in my cosy bed, with my fairy lights on. It’s relaxing and nice to be comfortable

Xox