Christmas away from home.

This is the first time in my life I’ve been away from him for Christmas. I love this time of year and I enjoy choosing gifts for my loved ones, playing board games with my family on the big day, and of course receiving things people have chosen for me (to name just a few features I love)

My colleagues and I all had to work today, and the day felt strange. Everybody was thinking about who they’d like to be with today, especially when Father Christmas paid a visit and we watched children and their families enjoying the festivities together. I do feel sad, but my mum is the total best and we are going to have Christmas again when I’m home in June 🎉🎉

Food is always tricky for me at Christmas. My eating disorder thoughts are constant and confusing. Today I didn’t have the usual challenge of an English meal, but I wish I’d had that option. I have some of my own food to supplement the limited and not very nice food provided (it’s free so I don’t mind buying other stuff for myself), however being hungry all the time and not having options I’m used to in england is an ongoing difficulty. My dietitian is encouraging me to aim for regularity before trying to eat a more normal amount. Most days I wake up with good intentions, although not always! Body image worries and how my body feels in terms of size effects how able I feel to challenge myself. 

Tomorrow is another opportunity to make good choices & try to enjoy the season 🎄

Merry Christmas everyone xoxo 

Skin picking.

The last few months I’ve found myself picking my skin and it’s reached a point where it’s noticeable. I’ve fortunately never experienced extreme acne, but I do get some spots. Because it’s hard to stop the picking, I’m damaging the skin over and over again until it’s leaving a mark. I now permanently have spots somewhere on my face and I’m really self conscious. 

Any thoughts on trying to stop?

The good times.

Food is hard. Being away from family for Christmas is hard. My body image stress is challenging. 

That’s all the difficult stuff out the way, so now for the whole point of this post: the good times. I’m writing this at 1am because I am happy right now and I want to do this while I’m in the mood! 

Tonight’s show was amazing. Tonight is why I do what I do, and I feel like I’m doing the right thing. Somebody approached me after and said I was fantastic (really touched by it) and I then spent some time with some kids who I’ve bonded with over the course of their holiday here. Lovely children & lovely that they all appreciated all the things we did together. 

Today I danced more numbers in the show than I’ve had in any show thus far, and it’s great to walk away feeling it was good (not perfect but I never think it’s the best it can be!) 

Performing has given me freedom from my eating disorder for an evening. Thank you universe! 

Sweet dreams everyone xoxo

Judging whether it’s right.

I had Therapy last night (via Skype, as the commute from Tenerife to the UK isn’t an option 😂) and between the talk about food and my thoughts about my recovery and illness, my therapist made such a poignant statement:

If you feel your passion when you’re doing the bits of the work you came to do, you’re in the right place for right now. 

And she’s right. All the paperwork, extra tasks, difficult people, that different jobs might come with aren’t what’s important: it’s whether the “meaty” bit of the job makes you feel good. Tomorrow I have a show, and I want to move past any of the extra parts of my day (good, bad, or indifferent) and concentrate on the bit I’m really here for. It seems so obvious now I think about it, but I suppose it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by having a mood cycle all the time. Everyone’s emotions change constantly, and as an over thinker I can get caught up in worry over the thoughts themselves rather than letting go of the bits of the day that don’t matter. For example, whether or not somebody else does their job well shouldn’t affect my judgement of my own day or my own performance. I’m lucky to have a passion and to get to perform several times a week. I want to take in every good moment. 

Ps. Moving countries is tiring and I am typing with my eyes struggling to stay open #newculture

Greetings from sunny Spain! 😎

Hey everyone! 

My first 2 working days have been so different from what I imagined. I think that’s always the way though, isn’t it? I’m the only English dancer, and learning choreography in Spanish has been physically and mentally powering. I feel more tired than usual, as I imagine my brain is working a bit harder to think in Spanish for a number of hours everyday. Another member of hotel staff is British, but he is sadly leaving tomorrow 😦 I will miss being able to babble at my usual speed to somebody who can relate to me on that basic level of our shared nationality. 

Getting to know all the guests of the hotel is nice- especially as many of them take a liking to me if they’re English! Tomorrow is my first performance, so fingers crossed it goes well 🌟 a couple of the songs we are dancing to are some of my all time favourites which I’m absolutely loving. 

Now the not so great… organisation is appalling. Nobody gives me any information in advance. I couldn’t tell you what I’m doing when, or where, or with whom! It’s so annoying, especially as I then feel my superior acts very shirty when I ask questions. I don’t like to judge to quickly, however so far he seems lazy and useless at being a motivator and a leader. As I do love dancing and also enjoy teaching the fitness activities I don’t need anyone to give me a smile on my face, but he just lacks personality. I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I think this might just be the case…

Due to lack of good communication, my room setup was not as specified and I’ve had to explain over and over that this needs to be guaranteed to be fixed. I think this is done, but I’m nervous until it’s actually happened 🙈 

My eating disorder is having a mixed experience. On the one hand, the food sucks, so I’m hoping to lose weight, but I also feel like when I leave the hotel grounds I’m unsafe in regards food. It feels like I could start and never stop; and I hate that fear. Hopefully I can have a meal plan sent to me soon and stop the restricting. 

Sleep tight everyone xoxo