The fear of the past.

One of my biggest worries in recovery is that I will become unable to have any control over eating if I let go of the extreme control of my ED. Past experience taught me that this worry can become reality, as my first attempt of recovery turned into the development of bulimia. In the context of my issues with food, the time span in which I was b/p is tiny, though the effect it has had me is huge. 

Fearing that the past will repeat itself (in terms of anything in life) stops me from experiencing anything outside my comfort zone. When you only feel safe living in one way, small changes seem too much to handle, or one step too close to whatever bad association you have from the past. 

Although it was hard, I did exactly as discussed in therapy today and ate lunch after my session. It definitely didn’t feel good, but I did feel slightly less shaky and afraid that I was going to “lose control” any minute. Really it’s stuff like this that makes it easy for anorexia to hang around in my life, because I’m still fearing repeating behaviour from several years ago. It tells me that id be useless and even bigger if I let my control go this time. Restricting feels less scary. 

After the Christmas break and a few scheduling difficulties, I had a session today, and holy shit guys I have all the feelings right now. Conversation took us to talking about my mental image of living in a room with my ED forever. I sometimes think it would be easier if me and it were just left alone by the rest of the world. Realistically, this is a horrible thought because it makes me stop for a second and notice how much importance my disorder has. I cried over how confusing it is to not know life without this anymore, and how scared I am. At this moment I don’t feel a desire to get better; I feel tired and depleted of emotional energy. 

A couple of people have said I seem really chilled and laid back, but if only they knew that I express stress through my disorder. Calm on the outside, calculating my food intake on the inside. I’ve got more anxiety and stress than those people although they’d never know. 

If you are going to be mean, stop talking.

Lately I feel like I have a sign on my head inviting insults. In the last couple of weeks I’ve had numerous comments made about my body, my hair, my make up… you name it. 

Today was the day of insulting my face apparently. I’ve never thought I had severe acne or anything, but I’m mistaken it would seem. Thanks to today’s comments, I’m going to add my skin to my list of worries. 

I just don’t get it. Why say things that are judgemental like that? Don’t comment on my body, appearance, eating habits, or anything personal unless you’ve got something kind or helpful to say. And for the record, I’ve never said a negative word to these people, but I’m going to rant below to get my brain a little calmer. 

For somebody who has commented on my skin, yours isn’t that perfect. I also don’t think your hairstyle suits you as much as when you wear it down. You don’t do your make up very well. You’re nice to chat to, but you don’t have the warmth of some other people. I don’t feel I could trust you completely. 

Rant over. 

Kicking off 2017.

I managed to make a poor start to the year food-wise, I was so angry at myself for my behaviour and the thoughts (even though it was days ago) are still looming. 

I’ve been triggered easily recently, and I’m totally uncertain about the size I truly am. This lack of self assurance is difficult when nobody can give me the answer I’m looking for. The age old question would anything be good enough?

Work has been stressful, although last nights show was really good. We had an abrupt change in our team; this is hopefully going to be for the better but the interim chaos has been quite overwhelming. 

I’m still pondering over my list of goals for 2017 so share below what you want to achieve/ things you want to do this year!

Xoxo

2016 good and bad.

Happy new year! (Or feliz año nuevo as I’m in Tenerife) I like the feeling of the new year and the opportunity to assess where I am and where I want to be. 

I hope 2016 was a good year for everyone, and that 2017 is even better. Here’s my summary of 2016. 

The good. In 2016 I made a lot of big changes in my life. I graduated, said goodbye to my childhood home, and got my first performing job. I finally found a dietitian/therapist who properly understands eating disorders, and I’m hopeful that she can help me to recover. This was the year I went to NYC, took trips to other parts of the UK to see friends, and embarked on life in Tenerife. 

I think I got a bit better at learning which things are good self care for me, and I try to plan those things into my life- albeit perhaps not often enough. In 2016 I got my nails done, took nice baths, long walks, Skyped loved ones and did arts and crafts to take time for myself. 

I enjoyed time with all of my wonderful friends throughout the year, as well as special time with my Mum after going home for a while when I graduated. 

The bad. I didn’t have the easiest year with my mental health. Then again, when you have mental illness is any year really easy in that respect? My eating disorder is still a very prominent thing in my mind all the time, and I’m jealous of people who don’t have that bothering them all the time. 

I struggled with conflict I experienced this year, as I’m not good with uncomfortable conversations in general. I missed out on my family Christmas, and that was tough for me, but equally enjoyed some parts of my holiday period here. 

All in all, there were difficult patches of 2016, some disappointments in terms of achievement, and some experiences I feel that I missed out on; however, I did do a lot of great things in 2016 and I’m grateful. 

It’s never too late to grow. 

Xoxo