After the Christmas break and a few scheduling difficulties, I had a session today, and holy shit guys I have all the feelings right now. Conversation took us to talking about my mental image of living in a room with my ED forever. I sometimes think it would be easier if me and it were just left alone by the rest of the world. Realistically, this is a horrible thought because it makes me stop for a second and notice how much importance my disorder has. I cried over how confusing it is to not know life without this anymore, and how scared I am. At this moment I don’t feel a desire to get better; I feel tired and depleted of emotional energy.
A couple of people have said I seem really chilled and laid back, but if only they knew that I express stress through my disorder. Calm on the outside, calculating my food intake on the inside. I’ve got more anxiety and stress than those people although they’d never know.