The fear of the past. 

One of my biggest worries in recovery is that I will become unable to have any control over eating if I let go of the extreme control of my ED. Past experience taught me that this worry can become reality, as my first attempt of recovery turned into the development of bulimia. In the context of my issues with food, the time span in which I was b/p is tiny, though the effect it has had me is huge. 

Fearing that the past will repeat itself (in terms of anything in life) stops me from experiencing anything outside my comfort zone. When you only feel safe living in one way, small changes seem too much to handle, or one step too close to whatever bad association you have from the past. 

Although it was hard, I did exactly as discussed in therapy today and ate lunch after my session. It definitely didn’t feel good, but I did feel slightly less shaky and afraid that I was going to “lose control” any minute. Really it’s stuff like this that makes it easy for anorexia to hang around in my life, because I’m still fearing repeating behaviour from several years ago. It tells me that id be useless and even bigger if I let my control go this time. Restricting feels less scary. 

2 thoughts on “The fear of the past. 

  1. Oh gosh I can 1000% relate to this – the very real fear of anorexia leading to bulimia. I happened to tell someone my fears just a few weeks ago, and they said, ‘but you don’t need to binge’, as if it is under my control. Is it really that simple, or am I just overcomplicating things? Well done for eating your lunch, great feat for you. Hope you’re doing ok xo

    • I guess it’s part of the all or nothjng thinking for me, that giving up my control means I will have no control at all! Thanks, I’m glad I did it too. Hope you’re ok- I’m doing alright xx

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