The fear of the past.

One of my biggest worries in recovery is that I will become unable to have any control over eating if I let go of the extreme control of my ED. Past experience taught me that this worry can become reality, as my first attempt of recovery turned into the development of bulimia. In the context of my issues with food, the time span in which I was b/p is tiny, though the effect it has had me is huge. 

Fearing that the past will repeat itself (in terms of anything in life) stops me from experiencing anything outside my comfort zone. When you only feel safe living in one way, small changes seem too much to handle, or one step too close to whatever bad association you have from the past. 

Although it was hard, I did exactly as discussed in therapy today and ate lunch after my session. It definitely didn’t feel good, but I did feel slightly less shaky and afraid that I was going to “lose control” any minute. Really it’s stuff like this that makes it easy for anorexia to hang around in my life, because I’m still fearing repeating behaviour from several years ago. It tells me that id be useless and even bigger if I let my control go this time. Restricting feels less scary.