Hey everyone! If you’re reading this, I hope today was a good day 🙂
For me, unfortunately, it’s been a toughie. Depression just hit me out of nowhere and I’ve struggled to drag myself through the day, even though it was my day off. Sometimes no matter what you do it is difficult. I did do things I liked today (as well as a lot of sleeping because I’m so exhausted), but it wasn’t as enjoyable as usual.
I’m in a state of waiting right now, as I’m going to hear if I got a new contract in about 10 days. It’s a job I REALLY want, but of course there are many others who want it too. I hate how my mind wanders and imagines how it will be if I get it. I try not to get excited because I don’t want be disappointed. If I get this contract I will be going to see my family before moving somewhere new, I will get to leave a boss I hate, I can learn new shows with new people, and my hard work getting together showreels will have paid off.
I’m in a place mentally where I think a short time with my Mum and my pets would be beneficial for me, but most of all, the job opportunity is so fantastic. I’m not good at being patient, and trying to avoid thinking about it often leads to ruminating on it more (fun times)
Hope the week ahead looks good for you all xoxo
I read an article just now which really resonated with me. The amount of times I’ve said the sentence “I’m so uncomfortable” in sessions lately is more than can be counted on one hand. Naturally I hate the discomfort of questions I’d rather not answer, or having to think about something that really hits a nerve, but the article talks about how eating disorder recovery is always going to be scary. How could letting go of an emotional preserving illness be easy?
For the first time in my life I think I’ve made the choice to give real recovery a try. I’m terrified of gaining weight endlessly, of life being no better than it is now, and of losing the control I’ve worked so hard on maintaining for so many years. BUT, with an eating disorder around I know I can’t progress in my life as I’d want to. If I don’t get better I will be 50 years old and still using my time to fuel my disorder. An ED leaves no room for professional growth, a family, or a full life. I suppose I always thought I was the exception, but it doesn’t work that way.
Maybe recovery can allow me to gain strength, more muscle, more energy, which in turn equal better dancing.
Maybe recovery will give me back control of my health and my life.
Today was my day off, the sun was shining and I had already decided earlier in the week to go to the beach for the afternoon. As I often do, I thought about what I could wear a full day before. Long skirt and a ribbed top- an outfit I haven’t worn for a while, but one I’ve worn many times. The skirt has always been loose around my middle, and although it wasn’t tight today, it wasn’t how it usually is.
This one small thing kicked off a whole shouting match in my head about how fat I am, how I must clearly have ballooned lately, how I can’t wear this again, how I’m not deserving of getting better… I could probably go for hours listing all the things that went through my head today. I’m not eating a full meal plan yet. I’m trying to eat regularly but not at increased amounts, because my anxiety is too high.
I had a good giggle with my housemate this evening, which was lovely, but the worries and depressive feelings are all still here. Literally feel like my energy was sucked out of me over this clothing worry. My eating disorder wants me to run away with it and just have all the time in the world to obey all the rules.
Sorry today isn’t especially positive