Today was my day off, the sun was shining and I had already decided earlier in the week to go to the beach for the afternoon. As I often do, I thought about what I could wear a full day before. Long skirt and a ribbed top- an outfit I haven’t worn for a while, but one I’ve worn many times. The skirt has always been loose around my middle, and although it wasn’t tight today, it wasn’t how it usually is.
This one small thing kicked off a whole shouting match in my head about how fat I am, how I must clearly have ballooned lately, how I can’t wear this again, how I’m not deserving of getting better… I could probably go for hours listing all the things that went through my head today. I’m not eating a full meal plan yet. I’m trying to eat regularly but not at increased amounts, because my anxiety is too high.
I had a good giggle with my housemate this evening, which was lovely, but the worries and depressive feelings are all still here. Literally feel like my energy was sucked out of me over this clothing worry. My eating disorder wants me to run away with it and just have all the time in the world to obey all the rules.
Sorry today isn’t especially positive
anadancer 
ah girl, its your blog, no need to be positive all the time and definitely no need to pretend to be positive if you’re going through hard times. I’m sending you support and also wanted to say well done for resisting the ed urges to the extent that you have been. You are doing the strong thing by resisting. ED will lie to you and make things harder for you and your life is hard enough – don’t give it any more control – you deserve to feel good about your life, your body, yourself x you’re a strong person and you deserve the freedom to enjoy your life, keep fighting and getting the support that you need and do deserve xxx Em
This made my day! Thank you so much for your kindness and wise thoughts. It’s just a bit hard at the moment. Small things affect me greatly, even being bloated one day as I could have been that day is enough to knock me into a state. Part of me is so ready to get better, but part of me isn’t. That part of me keeps me eating the calories of a child everyday, has me exercising, has me feel bad. I hope that I won’t be trapped by my illness forever xx