Today was my day off, the sun was shining and I had already decided earlier in the week to go to the beach for the afternoon. As I often do, I thought about what I could wear a full day before. Long skirt and a ribbed top- an outfit I haven’t worn for a while, but one I’ve worn many times. The skirt has always been loose around my middle, and although it wasn’t tight today, it wasn’t how it usually is.
This one small thing kicked off a whole shouting match in my head about how fat I am, how I must clearly have ballooned lately, how I can’t wear this again, how I’m not deserving of getting better… I could probably go for hours listing all the things that went through my head today. I’m not eating a full meal plan yet. I’m trying to eat regularly but not at increased amounts, because my anxiety is too high.
I had a good giggle with my housemate this evening, which was lovely, but the worries and depressive feelings are all still here. Literally feel like my energy was sucked out of me over this clothing worry. My eating disorder wants me to run away with it and just have all the time in the world to obey all the rules.
Sorry today isn’t especially positive