I read an article just now which really resonated with me. The amount of times I’ve said the sentence “I’m so uncomfortable” in sessions lately is more than can be counted on one hand. Naturally I hate the discomfort of questions I’d rather not answer, or having to think about something that really hits a nerve, but the article talks about how eating disorder recovery is always going to be scary. How could letting go of an emotional preserving illness be easy?
For the first time in my life I think I’ve made the choice to give real recovery a try. I’m terrified of gaining weight endlessly, of life being no better than it is now, and of losing the control I’ve worked so hard on maintaining for so many years. BUT, with an eating disorder around I know I can’t progress in my life as I’d want to. If I don’t get better I will be 50 years old and still using my time to fuel my disorder. An ED leaves no room for professional growth, a family, or a full life. I suppose I always thought I was the exception, but it doesn’t work that way.
Maybe recovery can allow me to gain strength, more muscle, more energy, which in turn equal better dancing.
Maybe recovery will give me back control of my health and my life.