Mental illness and living life. 

There are countless times where my psychological state has stopped me from me doing things. While there are circumstances where this is unavoidable (e.g.  Suicidality, panic attacks etc), sometimes continuing to live life and do something can take away the difficult feelings for a while.

Right now I’m still waiting to figure out where my next dance job will be. There are 2 possibilities at present, and the not knowing has been extremely hard for me. I’ve been more restrictive without consciously trying to, I’ve had anxiety from the moment I’ve woken up everyday, and I’ve been strung along waiting for an answer that I’ve yet to solve. The days continue to pass and I’m keeping in mind the advice of a friend I made on my first job:

Don’t waste your time at home. You’ll be going somewhere new soon enough, and be regretting wasting your quality time with family and friends worrying about your next step. 

Ive met up with some of my friends, had lots of cuddles with my dogs and cats, and spent time with my mum. But the last few days I just felt myself unable to detach my brain from the job worried at all, so… I booked flights to see my Spanish family and meet the 2 week old babies my cousin just had. 

Today might have involved a lot of emailing and waiting for replies, but I did cuddle 2 beautiful babies. 

Hope everyone is ok


Chance to dance. 

I took a trip to London a few days ago, and made sure to have time for a dance class at Pineapple studios. In this current moment not long after finishing a job, it was nice to be in a studio and just dance. Of course, my brain teased me with thoughts of not being good enough periodically, but I’m so glad I went.

I’ve been waiting an unexpected length of time to hear back from a job (it’s a long story!), so each time a weekend is over and I know the potential of tomorrow being the day comes around, my mind wanders. Sometimes I imagine how life could be in a few weeks if I’m off on a new adventure, and other times my mind wanders to the worry of feeling really low if this job doesn’t come to fruition after being really close. Hopefully it’s all going to be ok… xox

Do nice things. 

Something that comes along with my mental illness is the feeling I’m not deserving (to recover, to rest, to look after myself…) For me, taking a hot bath, doing face masks, and painting my nails are all things I find relaxing, but I often feel I need to earn them. If a friend or relative told me they didn’t feel they deserved to/ hadn’t earned the right to unwind in a soapy bath I’d tell them that was absolute nonsense! So….What’s the difference? 

The difference is I like them; whereas I don’t always like me. 

I’m STILL waiting to hear about a job. It should be confirmed in the next few days, and I’ve received paperwork which makes it all seem very positive. Naturally I’m nervous about it. The thought of not getting it has made me realise just how much I would love to be dancing and singing abroad in the next few weeks. Don’t get me wrong, being with my mum/sleeping in/ cuddling my pets/ having time to catch up with friends are all great, but only for a holiday! I’m afraid I won’t get this job and end up stuck with no miney and no idea what to do next. All I can do is wait…

Depression days. 

After the initial positive overwhelm of arriving back in England, I seem to have this sadness and apathy come over me at some point everyday. I just don’t feel good. I’m not sure there’s one particular reason, although there are a few things causing some anxiety for me right now. My mind and body seem to change in mood very quickly, and once the low feelings come, it’s hard to shake. 

There have been some really lovely parts of the last few days- seeing my brother, going out with my Mum, making plans to see friends etc etc, however today just felt bleurgh. Bored of getting these feelings everyday, I bought myself a face mask, did some art, cuddled my cats and dogs, and watched some favourite YouTubers of mine. I don’t feel on top of the world, but at least I did something pleasureable (even if I would have enjoyed this time more on a different day). 

Depression days can be tiring and annoying, especially when I can’t find the reason why. I always want to analyse and understand everything, and sometimes it just doesn’t work like that. 

If any of you are a bit down in the dumps, accept a virtual hug from me! 🙂 

Sleep tight xoxo

Being loved. 

I’m now home from my first contract, and I’m slowly unpacking, getting myself organised, and catching up with family and friends. 

The day I flew back to the UK was so overwhelming emotionally that I wanted to post, but couldn’t work out how was truly feeling! Saying goodbye to my new friends was sad, though I had the excitement of seeing my Mum to look forward. It also signified the start of another uncertain time, which can be challenging. 

The most emotional aspect of the last few days has been the amount of love people have shown me. On leaving Tenerife I was given a handmade card containing the most lovely messages (this shocked me, as lots of people have come and gone in my time there and so I didn’t expect it to be a big deal), and then I got home to find my best friend in the arrivals area waiting for me! Such a thoughtful thing to do, and getting to hug someone who means so much to you after a long time was the best ❤Our two families then met up and it was a pleasure to get to see them all and share hugs and stories together. 

The next greeting was the (utter hysteria) of my cats and dogs. I’ve never seen them behave quite so crazily, and although I’m biased it was TOTALLY ADORABLE. A new house in a new city meant I was given a little tour by my Mum once we were past the animals & we ended up in the lounge, which she had decorated with birthday balloons and presents, and displayed a bunch of flowers that a friend sent me.

Feeling loved doesn’t even cover it. I hope that I am as caring in return for all these fabulous people! 

Things are still feeling new and disorganised, but hopefully I can finish the unpacking soon and start to get my beatings in a new city. Today has been a bit difficult because my body seems to use up my energy really quick and I feel the low blood sugar weakness just an hour or two after eating. I don’t quite understand why I can be really restricting, but then feel like this when I try to eat regularly. Grrrrr 

That’s my (slightly long) ramble over. 


Final week wishes. 

Tomorrow marks the last of my full weeks in Tenerife. Before it begins, I’m going to use my post today to list what I want out of this time. 

  1. To get more things filmed. 
  2. To book tickets for a trip I want to go on before I leave the island. 
  3. To have positive intentions with my eating. 
  4. To enjoy the good bits while they’re here! 
  5. TO TURN 23 🎉
  6. To exercise in the afternoon break, with music to chill out to. 
  7. To make more plans for my time at home. 

I hate my body. 

I had a good evening with a terrible end. For no reason, I felt a bit out of sorts and couldn’t decide why. Now, a few hours later, and I see myself in the mirror. I see vile hips that are covered in disgusting fat, as proof of the failure I am. In this moment I feel like nothing I do will make my body smaller and better. I feel like I’m the only person in the world who’s anorexia has failed them. I’m not small, and even when I was x pounds in weight, I wasn’t that thin. Now it’s laughable that I restrict my intake. I literally feel so hurt inside because I’ve spent so many years only to be here with a body that is anything but thin. 

I’m scared that I will never move forward in my life because I will never be able to have a body I want. Im jealous of my friends that are all really toned, lovely dancers. I’m not.  I should be. It would feel better if someone could tell me that I am, but I don’t think I’d believe it. 

Eating Disorder Awareness Week. 

Like many with an ED, it is nice to see honest content being shared online during this week. But, instead of posting about how bad my illness is, I’m going to think about how important recovery is instead. 

What could my life look like if I work on recovery? It could be more peaceful, happy, and less overwhelming. My life could be healthier on both a physical and mental level. I could truly be the best dancer I can, and therefore enjoy future contracts with a clearer and more present mind than I currently have. Maybe I could be a mother, wife, girlfriend- whatever I decide I want. My days could feel longer without all the obsessions stealing my time. Recovery is essential if I want to have a life involving other people, because people won’t waste their time waiting for me to get better forever. Recovery would mean freedom from the fears about my body and food, or atleast the ability to manage the fears. There are two options: commit to recovery OR devote myself to the disorder and potentially lose my life to the consequences. Not choosing recovery means risking an increase in my depression and suicidal thoughts. Many people love me so I shouldn’t allow myself to keep getting worse. The thought of my body shouldn’t make me think about killing myself, and if not for myself, i could challenge myself to choose recovery for all the people who love and care about me. 

Why do you think recovery is necessary?