I had a good evening with a terrible end. For no reason, I felt a bit out of sorts and couldn’t decide why. Now, a few hours later, and I see myself in the mirror. I see vile hips that are covered in disgusting fat, as proof of the failure I am. In this moment I feel like nothing I do will make my body smaller and better. I feel like I’m the only person in the world who’s anorexia has failed them. I’m not small, and even when I was x pounds in weight, I wasn’t that thin. Now it’s laughable that I restrict my intake. I literally feel so hurt inside because I’ve spent so many years only to be here with a body that is anything but thin.
I’m scared that I will never move forward in my life because I will never be able to have a body I want. Im jealous of my friends that are all really toned, lovely dancers. I’m not. I should be. It would feel better if someone could tell me that I am, but I don’t think I’d believe it.