I had a good evening with a terrible end. For no reason, I felt a bit out of sorts and couldn’t decide why. Now, a few hours later, and I see myself in the mirror. I see vile hips that are covered in disgusting fat, as proof of the failure I am. In this moment I feel like nothing I do will make my body smaller and better. I feel like I’m the only person in the world who’s anorexia has failed them. I’m not small, and even when I was x pounds in weight, I wasn’t that thin. Now it’s laughable that I restrict my intake. I literally feel so hurt inside because I’ve spent so many years only to be here with a body that is anything but thin.
I’m scared that I will never move forward in my life because I will never be able to have a body I want. Im jealous of my friends that are all really toned, lovely dancers. I’m not. I should be. It would feel better if someone could tell me that I am, but I don’t think I’d believe it.
I read this post and I was sending you all my support and love but I didn’t know what to say. I hate when anorexia comes in and gets between me and my ability to love my body and I am so sad when I see it happening in another person. I also know that when I’m in that mindset it is very hard for me to see ‘anorexic thinking’ for what it is – and when I read your post I could really hear the anorexia in your mind beating you up. I relate to the pain and suffering of being in that position, I know you say that even if someone was to tell you good things about yourself you’re afraid you might not want to believe them so thanks for taking time to read what I have to say and know that I don’t take it for granted that you would give my words any weight over what the ed is saying to you xxx you say that you felt ‘out of sorts’ and couldn’t figure out why and it seems that, not being able to land on a reason meant that your mind came back with ‘body image’ and the anorexic thinking took over and made you focus on your body in a very harsh and untrue and distorted way. It is never ‘laughable’ to restrict your intake because you deserve to nourish yourself. You deserve your own love and care. You are doing your best to have a life and function in the world and your ability to do and sustain this is still a fragile thing. The anorexic thinking is still very strong in you and this is an example of it trying to get its claws into you in a moment where you feel vulnerable and a little lost. It is scary to try and listen to other voices when this one is so strong and bullying you in the privacy of your mind but there is more to life. If it helps – in my dance career the thing holding me back has been the distorted body image, lack of confidence and patchy nutrition caused by the eating disorder; being patient, being able to care for myself, being able to accept mine and other’s faults and being able to listen to what I love and what my passions are, are the things that have supported me. I remember being in a big commercial gig a few years ago and having a laugh with some other dancers over how in our training all the emphasis was on who has great extensions, high leaps, multiple pirouettes etc and here we all were tramping around in a field, working long hours, being shouted at and drilled over and over and in the end, our ability to be patient and tolerant were the skills that were getting us through the gig…
thinking of you and hoping today might be different xx Em
Thank you for such a thoughtful comment. Perhaps my inability to truly believe I have anorexia is the proof that I do actually have it?! I constantly crave validation for my illness. And you’re right: feeling a little out of sorts immediately points my brain to thoughts about being too fat etc.
It makes it more believable when I hear all of this from another dancer. I do however wish my family could truly know how it feels to have an ed and to be a dancer. I want a lean body, which I don’t feel I have, but nobody else can tell me how I look because I feel uncertain if they are lying or not anyway.
Thank you so much for caring