Greetings from Mallorca

Guess who wrote a post and it got deleted? THAT’S ME 😭

Anywayyyy, I’m here in the sunshine and I’ve unpacked and done all the boring things. All we did today was rehearse, as the hotel is yet to open and we are preparing. Even though that was my day, I feel over emotional and anxious to be frank. There are a few things that are still worrying me:

• Meeting my new housemate on Saturday
• Getting into the “normal” schedule and wondering how I will like it 
• How I’m going to manage my money until my first pay 

Obviously these unknowns could all be fine, but the possibility that they could not be is enough to cause racing thoughts. 

I was with 2 people today- both seemed nice and fairly easy going. I am finding myself being really judgemental of them (in my head obviously!) and I’m not sure why. I’m guilty for thinking this but: in my eyes they are too fat to be dancers. Both are me, with muscular arms and legs, but with larger stomachs. I shouldn’t be judging them, especially when I don’t think I look like a dancer!! Not being racist, but I’ve noticed several men with bodies like these and I wonder if there’s a genetic tendency for that shape (?). Although otherwise pleasant, I did feel patrionised when asked if I a new song that’s the most well known fucking theatre song ever (I wanted to scream from the roof tops and say I am professionally trained and not some moron off the street and FYI I probs know more musical theatre stuff than you) rant over. Sozzzz. 

I hope I feel more settled soon. I have a nice balcony where I plan to sit alone and get away from things when I fancy it (sat there right now actually…) 

Hope you’re all well. Comment below the best bit of your day…

Mine: finding and using a super clean gym that’s close to me and enjoying being able to focus on my body 

Those confusing ED feels.

If you’ve been reading my blog lately, you may have noticed a common theme of me doubting my illness, and general confusion about how I feel about it. Thinking over all this tonight I’m curious about why things felt clearer in my mind when I had different behaviours. 

For a short period of time I struggled with bulimia. As I was bingeing every night and then compensating in whatever way I saw fit in the moment, I was well aware that I was not ok. I had no shadow of a doubt that I was totally out of control (and out of my mind). I was also extremely unhappy during this time. For me, the ups and downs of bulimia make me emotionally much more volatile than restricting does (or at least that’s how it feels). I didn’t want bulimia.  I didn’t feel attached to it, I didn’t like it, I didn’t want anyone to know. Because I hated it so much, everyday was a reminder that I was doing something that was bad for me. 

On the other hand, restricting feels safe. It’s consistent and predictable (mostly). Restricting is how my eating disorder started and maybe that’s why I feel kind of “at home” when anorexic thoughts are in my mind. Perhaps though, it’s so familiar and consistent that it’s easy to think it isn’t a big deal. Anorexia is quiet, it lets me do the rest of my life while I simultaneously listen to all its thoughts in my mind as well. I want it around to make sure I don’t endlessly gain weight, and I need it to help me when my feelings are just too much. So many people cut down what they eat from time to time, and so it’s easy to think it isn’t a problem. The constant question of whether I’m suffering from this illness, or just being “on a diet” like others do, bothers me all the time. I never wanted to let go of anorexia the first time, and I’m afraid that if I do, I can’t go back. 

100% TMI.

This evening hasn’t been one of my best. For no apparent reason (aka unable to identify and process emotions normally) I’ve felt like crap tonight. I ended up crying and feeling confused about why I feel emotional. 

The accompanying side line of this evening was a lot of body checking. (Get ready for the TMI bit). I’ve poked my stomach, done crunches, tried to feel whether the crease of my bum cheek is flatter or bigger, scratched the skin on my shoulders, and looked down at my body from a million different angles. 

My biggest frustration is that I’m confused. Confused whether I’m fat or thin, confused whether I’m angry or sad or anxious (or any of the above!), and confused about why I’m confused. I just don’t get it. 

Med changes.

With just a few days left in the U.K, I’m feeling anxious about what’s to come. These feelings have noticeably increased my ED behaviours and thoughts. Although I know I’d be having some nerves at the moment due to impending change, I’m also coming off a medication at the same time which isn’t helping. 

Now, this drug isn’t something I take for my mental health. I suffered some extreme migraines, eventually resulting in taking a tablet 3 times a day everyday to prevent them. Roll on 1 or 2 years later and I’m in a situation where it’s been several months since my last migraine. I lowered my medication dose and felt no negative side effects whatsoever. I thought I was also doing fine with none of this drug at all…until yesterday. Hello throbbing head and feelings of sickness 👍🏻

In higher doses, the medication can be used for anxiety (and on very rare occasions I did take it to solve panic attacks), but as I hadn’t had an anti-anxiety effect on a daily basis from the tabletsI have been surprised by the definite increase in my anxiety since I stopped taking it a few days ago. There’s no doubt that it’s playing a part, as I’m very aware of my anxious thoughts and triggers. So frustrating , and I am slightly clueless as to whether I should start taking them daily again or what. 

A headache AND more anxiety? I could start a sales pitch ahahaha 

I hope you’re all well

Xoxo 

My GP made a comment that I can’t get out of my mind, so it felt right to write about and get my thoughts out. 

“Are you sure you should be going to work abroad? People with complex mental health needs often find a stable environment better for them”

On the one hand I understand that familiar things can be comforting, and that change can provoke anxiety in the best of us. However, a comment like this gave me 2 very contradictory feelings: validation and irritation. 

Her concern justified my illness. This negative attention felt good, even if that isn’t an ideal way of seeing it. But, I did feel annoyed that she expressed this when she hadn’t known me very long. My feeling is that I could be well or ill in any setting. Surely the biggest determining factor is my attitude towards recovery. I mentioned my concerns to my therapist, and while she agreed that performers are put under the pressures of lots of change & importance placed on appearance, she believes healing is always possible. 

What do you think? 

Having put things in my life on hold in favour of my mental health- such as romantic relationships, missing days or certain activities during education etc, I think that doing something you want to do can add something positive to your life and a reason to focus on getting well. It’s certainly challenging for me to work full time and handle my problems, but my problems will be a challenge wherever I am & whatever I’m doing!

If you celebrate, happy Easter; if not, happy bank holiday weekend!

Xoxo

GP trip (cos I’m fun and exciting)

Since returning to England and finding my way in a new city, I’ve had a register at a new doctor in order to get my meds. I’ve now had 2 appointments with the same GP, and she has given me lots of info on mental health help in my area, taken time to ask me questions, and prescribed my medication. However, today she asked to weigh me. I’m so paralysed by this fear that I couldn’t even speak. I was trying to but sentences weren’t actually coming out of my mouth. She let me tell her why I can’t, and she didn’t force it on me, but it really brought up some pretty crappy memories to be honest. 

I leave for my new contract in 9 days, and the GP asked me today if I thought I am well enough to go. Obviously I said yes, because what’s the point in giving up an opportunity and sitting about at home? As my departure gets nearer I’m finding silly little nerves popping up, so to settle my mind I’m gonna make a little list:

Positives about the new job:

• Chance to see a lovely place
• I will be dancing 4 nights a week
• Having my own space, and being out of my parents way! 
• Earning a decent wage 
• Fewer daytime hours than previously 
• Near the beach!
• Being near some of my friends from before (hopefully!)

Nerves/negatives about the new job:

• Worry of people not liking me
• Worry of the choreography being too hard/easy for me
• Worry that the uniform will make me look fat (yes. That has been a real thought in my head.)
• Being away from home, and the natural moments of missing my favourite people from time to time 

These are probably my main pros and cons, and let’s face it the positives list is a much better read 😂 I just need to focus on all the excitement things that could happen instead of worrying it will all go wrong #anxietystruggs

Xoxo

Newness

With anything new comes the anxiety of uncertainty. For me, the positive news of my new contract has also brought me anxious thoughts about all the things I can’t know yet. 

What if I don’t get on with the other people? What if the dance level is too much or too little for me? What if I mess up the piece they’ve asked me to prepare and they hate it? What if they judge my body? 

What if I could actually know all the answers to these things? I imagine I’d find more to worry about… like… just off the top of my head…what if the uniform for daytime duties looks bad on me? 

Having these types of thoughts about something that is a positive step in my life (I hope!) makes me feel guilty. I feel like I shouldn’t be thinking any negative things about it because I have friends who don’t have jobs. Dumb right?

It’s nighttime where I am, and I’m in bed now (attempting not to stew over all this) by watching a YouTuber I enjoy, and trying to relax my super tense muscles after a class last night! 

Good night xoxo

There was always be a reason to restrict

Something important to remember about eating disorders, is that they want you need them. ANYTHING can be turned into a reason to use a behaviour. I used to think that I needed my disorder to cope with bad things, but in the last few days I’ve realised that isn’t necessarily true. 

So I got some good news: I’m going to be going to Mallorca in 2 weeks to dance! I will get to perform 4 times a week, the daytime duty hours are fewer than in my first job, and the money is better. While I am (very) excited, my eating disorder has taken this good news and turned it into some bad thoughts/

You better lose weight before you go or the guy will never be able to lift you. 

You don’t want them to meet you and think you’re ugly and fat, Fix it now. 

It’s going to be scary, so grasp onto control while you can. 

It will get hot and you can’t be seen in shorts while you’re this disgusting. 

This has got me thinking that maybe anorexia is just a way to avoid anything that I deem as too much emotion. 

I put on a summery skirt that I haven’t worn since August or September time, and it wasn’t as loose as it was. I don’t know if it’s water weight or real fat. If it’s real fat I am a failure. If it’s real fat, I’ve wasted time for nothing. If it’s real fat, people must be able to see it. Im scared now to put the skirt on again, like forever. I wish I could enjoy clothes and fashion the way I want to. 

It’s a fine line.

I’ve had some difficulty with my depressive thoughts and feelings recently, and more specifically, I’ve had trouble finding the line between denying negative feelings and dwelling on them. One or the other (as opposed to the middle ground) seems to be my automatic reaction. 

To be fair, I am in a period of change and I know that having human emotions about this isn’t a crime. I’m slowly adjusting to having a new city as my family home, even though I’ve only been in the UK for 3 weeks (5 days of which I was away 😂). Tomorrow my mum and I have plans to visit a part of the city we haven’t seen yet. 

My general feelings of uselessness and failure were overwhelming today. I went to the gym, but felt back to square one as soon I went home. I went to town to buy a birthday present, and barely enjoyed wandering around. I took a nap, listened to 4 podcasts, watched my favourite show, cuddled my dog, and made a to do list. STILL the feelings stayed with me. 

Around 8pm I went for a walk, shed a few tears, and spoke to my Mum about a current job frustration (I don’t want to call anyone out by sharing too much, but essentially I was initially offered a great contract, but a boss had to confirm it. This then became a second best offer, but the offer is really quite different and not that great). It’s been 4 weeks in the making and it feels like a big disappointment.

  I feel like I AM a big disappointment. 

She assured me that’s not the case, and that patience and continuing to work on recovery will help me get my second contract. I feel some relief from talking to her, yet also exhausted and still fearful that I’m not good/pretty/thin etc etc enough. As somebody who can lack confidence sometimes, I know I would have this sort of worry about any career, relationship or situation in my life that I care about. #supersensitiveaboutlife 

Hope everyone had a good Tuesday xoxo