It’s a fine line. 

I’ve had some difficulty with my depressive thoughts and feelings recently, and more specifically, I’ve had trouble finding the line between denying negative feelings and dwelling on them. One or the other (as opposed to the middle ground) seems to be my automatic reaction. 

To be fair, I am in a period of change and I know that having human emotions about this isn’t a crime. I’m slowly adjusting to having a new city as my family home, even though I’ve only been in the UK for 3 weeks (5 days of which I was away 😂). Tomorrow my mum and I have plans to visit a part of the city we haven’t seen yet. 

My general feelings of uselessness and failure were overwhelming today. I went to the gym, but felt back to square one as soon I went home. I went to town to buy a birthday present, and barely enjoyed wandering around. I took a nap, listened to 4 podcasts, watched my favourite show, cuddled my dog, and made a to do list. STILL the feelings stayed with me. 

Around 8pm I went for a walk, shed a few tears, and spoke to my Mum about a current job frustration (I don’t want to call anyone out by sharing too much, but essentially I was initially offered a great contract, but a boss had to confirm it. This then became a second best offer, but the offer is really quite different and not that great). It’s been 4 weeks in the making and it feels like a big disappointment.

  I feel like I AM a big disappointment. 

She assured me that’s not the case, and that patience and continuing to work on recovery will help me get my second contract. I feel some relief from talking to her, yet also exhausted and still fearful that I’m not good/pretty/thin etc etc enough. As somebody who can lack confidence sometimes, I know I would have this sort of worry about any career, relationship or situation in my life that I care about. #supersensitiveaboutlife 

Hope everyone had a good Tuesday xoxo

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