There was always be a reason to restrict 

Something important to remember about eating disorders, is that they want you need them. ANYTHING can be turned into a reason to use a behaviour. I used to think that I needed my disorder to cope with bad things, but in the last few days I’ve realised that isn’t necessarily true. 

So I got some good news: I’m going to be going to Mallorca in 2 weeks to dance! I will get to perform 4 times a week, the daytime duty hours are fewer than in my first job, and the money is better. While I am (very) excited, my eating disorder has taken this good news and turned it into some bad thoughts/

You better lose weight before you go or the guy will never be able to lift you. 

You don’t want them to meet you and think you’re ugly and fat, Fix it now. 

It’s going to be scary, so grasp onto control while you can. 

It will get hot and you can’t be seen in shorts while you’re this disgusting. 

This has got me thinking that maybe anorexia is just a way to avoid anything that I deem as too much emotion. 

I put on a summery skirt that I haven’t worn since August or September time, and it wasn’t as loose as it was. I don’t know if it’s water weight or real fat. If it’s real fat I am a failure. If it’s real fat, I’ve wasted time for nothing. If it’s real fat, people must be able to see it. Im scared now to put the skirt on again, like forever. I wish I could enjoy clothes and fashion the way I want to. 

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6 thoughts on “There was always be a reason to restrict 

  1. xxx yay Congratulations on the new gig! that is fantastic – better money and better working conditions 🙂 and also congratulations and thanks for sharing your reflections on there always being a reason to restrict and that just being the nature of the shit we have to put up with in order to wrestle our lives away from the debilitating anorexia thoughts xx it is hard going but if we stick with it we will get stronger mentally, emotionally and physically. I really admire you for using your ‘at home’ time the way you did – you took time to enjoy and care for yourself, you spent time with friends and family – you went to Pineapple for a class x you put a skirt on when it was sunny – you’ve got a good sense of how to live a quality life. The anorexia is relentless and insidious and trying to undermine you – keep resisting it – it won’t make ANYTHING better – we both know that being able to care for yourself i.e. rest, food, contact with loved ones, self-talking with love are what help us get through dance gigs, the thoughts about body shape and weight are total red-herrings. Be aware – as you are – of how the anorexia will try and amplify some concerns and exploit the unknowns to try and make them scarier than they actually are. You are a wonderful person and if I was on this dance gig you’d be the kind of person I’d want to have on my team – keep taking care of yourself – keep reminding yourself that the anorexia will only take away from your personal resilience, strength and capacity for enjoying the life and freedom that you’ve already fought hard to have xxxx thinking of you xxxx Em

    • AS IF I JUST TYPED A MASSIVE REPLY AND IT GOT DELETED 😩
      The struggle is real 😂
      Thanks for all you lovely words- You are so right that anorexia just wants to undermine everything and have our attention.
      I think my ability to try and have a quality life is down to being a perfectionist. I never want to fail, and then includes everything, from having plans with friends, to not wasting a day I have with my Mum. This attitude is equally dangerous as I can also feel that I don’t want to fail at my disorder and we all know that leads to feeling totally crap!
      Looking back on my illness, it has stolen many things from me, but it has also given me an understanding of myself and others that I don’t think I’d have otherwise. Having a mental illness has made me a more compassionate person, who always has a hug at hand if somebody needs one! Xxx
      I hope you’re enjoying some sunshine today- it’s rather nice where I am 😎

      • Omg yes the weather is heavenly here too! I’m just back from a trip to the village and coffee with friends 😉 what a beautiful day! I love that the days are getting longer and the birds are singing 😎 perfectionism ! I have that trait too – it can really trip me up – I’m perfectionist about recovery AND anorexia but I get to know myself a bit better every day and like you, compassion really helps me stay grounded and get in touch with the true value of things 🙂 ie not the weight/caloric value but the peace, compassion value… Life!! 🙂 X onwards and into the sunshine 😎 🍹🌴 xx Em

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