Wow. You suck.

Having been in my new contract for just over a month now, I’m slowly getting to know the people around me. Turns out that one of them sucks! 

In light of them getting fired, they decided to lay into every aspect of my work to the manager. Apparently I’m lazy, a bad dancer, don’t help, and people don’t like me. This fully grown woman chose being horrible about somebody else instead of accepting that getting the sack means it’s her fault and her incapacity for the job. 

I wouldn’t have heard what she said had the choreographer not found it so unbelievable that he told me. He opened with “this will make you laugh”. I see that his opinion must be contrary to her spiteful words or he wouldn’t have been so flabbergasted by it, however, as somebody who lacks confidence, it’s hurt me (even though she is not a dancer and is not good at her job hence getting fired)

Some people just suck. We do all make judgements, but this is way over the line. I don’t know anyone else who would be so vile about somebody they hardly even know. 

A few weeks ago she commented that I always seem to be speaking to someone on the phone or by whatsapp, and in light of seeing her true colours, I’m not surprised she doesn’t have the incredible bunch of friends that I do. I am lucky for my friends, but equally, we share the values of kindness and a good laugh as we each go along our different paths in life. She must be jealous that I have so many strong friendships and family relationships, but I highly doubt she will reflect on herself as the reason why she doesn’t. 

ED and anger

Hey everyone! I’ve spent this week battling with a horrid flu virus, and finally have the energy to write again. Sadly I had to work and perform while sick, and so it’s taken about 10 days for me to feel like on the mend a bit.

Chit chat aside, something that’s on my mind at the moment is the feeling of anger. For me, it’s on I find uncomfortable, but I often find that my ED can make me angry. The anger of not feeling good enough/sick enough/in control/like I’ve failed at making my body small etc can be very strong and debilitating. 

The thing with anger is that it actively stops me in my tracks. When I get that angry feeling, I want to scream and run away, but I can’t. It’s like being angry at my own mind and being trapped in it. I’m not sure if this experience is common, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it was. Perhaps expressing anger through ED feelings is easier for me than to know why I’m really angry deep down. 

What feeling do you feel from your mental illness?
Xoxo happy weekend!

Depression, fear and new things.

Happy weekend! I get one day off a week and it’s today. Needless to say I’m going to try and make the most of the weather and having time to myself. This week I’m grateful for the level of support I have from a few particular people. All of them motivate me to be better, especially when the last few days have been emotionally challenging for me. 

I have had times of extremely low mood before, and been sent to A&E on 3 occasions for suicidal thoughts/actions. I often felt scared in these times, as if I could hardly believe I was in that situation at all. But lately, the thought of dying from restriction stopped seeming scary. It seems completely plausible for me to be 10 years down the line and still dealing with all the thoughts and behaviours, potentially giving up other things I have or would like to have. Eating Disorders are selfish. That voice in my head doesn’t really want me to do anything that takes my focus away from it for too long. I’ve felt hopeless and fed up about not being good enough at being ill, and the never ending confusion about my body just gets more annoying over the years. 

All of these feelings prompted a conversation about a new plan for managing food. It takes away the decisions and shuts down the internal conversation about what/if/when to eat. I’ve tried 2 days of this (not perfectly, but close to eating it all) and I hope this could be the beginning of a positive change. 

Of course I feel afraid of gaining weight and of losing control, but anybody would in this position (i think) 

What do you like to do to relax?
Lots of love xoxo

Big stress, big body.

The first thing I start obsessing over when stress comes along is my body.  It looks bigger and bigger, and I feel increasingly like I’m out of control. 
While I accept overwhelm as a normal human experience, I had always assumed the feeling would have a clear cause. My issue is that I can’t always work out why. Sure, I’m in a new place and getting used to a new job, but there isn’t an easy to pinpoint reason as to why my ED is having a party right now. Just like the black and white of the disorder, my expectation is that the rest of life will be black and white too. Being overwhelmed is much more in the grey territory, though. It’s messy and confusing and tiring. Overwhelm is a combination of things, rather than one simple cause with one easy to understand reaction. If it were, it would be overwhelming at all! 

This week I’m going to try and set some things into my day to make my routine more consistent. I’m hoping for my lunch break to be a resting time (shower, nap, call family, colour) and for my late afternoon break to be my time to go to the gym and get things done (put washing on, stop by the supermarket, prep myself for shows etc). Hopefully I can achieve this sort of plan throughout the week and benefit from having set times for things.

Today was my day off and I’m hoping it has prepared me a little bit for the week ahead. Wishing you all a good week xoxo

Waiting for a routine.

I hope everybody is a having a good week. I’m so tired, as I arrived on April 22nd and my first day off isn’t until Sunday 😫 We’ve now done 2 shows, and we have rehearsals scattered around the normal schedule to finish learning everything. As this is the case, it’s a few weeks before the standard routine will begin. Then, I will be in the swing of doing 4-5 shows a week, and doing various duties in the day. I’m anxious about how I will find it all. Right now it’s still new and all a bit flexible, and I hope I’m going to like my new routine. 

I know I’m craving certainty, as I want to set my whole life into a timetable and just not have to think! I want to plan my gym time, plan the days I wash my hair, the times I wake up, the plans for my day off etc. I feel impatient for the sensation of normality in my routine. I want to know how it’s going feel to be in it. 

Everything and nothing.

Basically I have been meaning to post the last couple of days, but I got distracted and couldn’t decide exactly what I wanted to write (aka 90% of my blog 😂)

In terms of work, things are going ok. There was a body comment that threw me into a state, but at least it gave me an opportunity to say that I’m dealing with anorexia (yes I used that word because my therapist says it soooooo I just did it). Since then the choreographer has been very kind to me and I really do appreciate that. My first show is done now, I want it to be better the next time, but hey, when is a dancer totally happy with a performance ahaha. It was really fun and I’m looking forward to doing a show 5 evenings a week once all the shows are learned and we are into our normal schedule. Obviously, the business and stresses have worn me out. When is my next lie in you ask? FUCK KNOWS BUT IM BUZZING FOR IT ALREADY. 

The triggering comment made me want to quit. Quit my job, go home and hide in a hole. Fortunately, I have a mother, therapist and friends who reminded me that the way I felt wouldn’t last forever and I just needed to make it through that particular day. The comment also made me question if I want to be better or not. Part of me wishes I had never developed a problem, so that I wouldn’t have been affected by a flippant comment. The other half of me wished I was “sick enough” for that comment to never have been made. 

How I feel is always a mixed bag. I’m going to the gym a lot and trying to do strength training to help my body be the best it can. I hope that I can eat properly AND exercise appropriately eventually, although it isn’t straightforward when emotions get in the way.  I hope that I can understand when I’m hungry and full again, and be able to choose freely what’s best for me. I know this is possible because other people have done it. I’m weirdly excited for therapy on Friday, so I can discuss all the mixed feelings and all the things that are stressors right now. 

I can imagine my body being really toned and strong; what I can see clearly is where I am now in relation to that. Bigger? Smaller? Close to that image or not? I really don’t know. Not knowing is what I find most difficult. 

On another note, I feel warm and fuzzy inside with pride as I see a friend taking steps in recovery that didn’t seem possible this time last year. I love seeing my friends achieve good things, whatever they are. ❤️