Basically I have been meaning to post the last couple of days, but I got distracted and couldn’t decide exactly what I wanted to write (aka 90% of my blog 😂)
In terms of work, things are going ok. There was a body comment that threw me into a state, but at least it gave me an opportunity to say that I’m dealing with anorexia (yes I used that word because my therapist says it soooooo I just did it). Since then the choreographer has been very kind to me and I really do appreciate that. My first show is done now, I want it to be better the next time, but hey, when is a dancer totally happy with a performance ahaha. It was really fun and I’m looking forward to doing a show 5 evenings a week once all the shows are learned and we are into our normal schedule. Obviously, the business and stresses have worn me out. When is my next lie in you ask? FUCK KNOWS BUT IM BUZZING FOR IT ALREADY.
The triggering comment made me want to quit. Quit my job, go home and hide in a hole. Fortunately, I have a mother, therapist and friends who reminded me that the way I felt wouldn’t last forever and I just needed to make it through that particular day. The comment also made me question if I want to be better or not. Part of me wishes I had never developed a problem, so that I wouldn’t have been affected by a flippant comment. The other half of me wished I was “sick enough” for that comment to never have been made.
How I feel is always a mixed bag. I’m going to the gym a lot and trying to do strength training to help my body be the best it can. I hope that I can eat properly AND exercise appropriately eventually, although it isn’t straightforward when emotions get in the way. I hope that I can understand when I’m hungry and full again, and be able to choose freely what’s best for me. I know this is possible because other people have done it. I’m weirdly excited for therapy on Friday, so I can discuss all the mixed feelings and all the things that are stressors right now.
I can imagine my body being really toned and strong; what I can see clearly is where I am now in relation to that. Bigger? Smaller? Close to that image or not? I really don’t know. Not knowing is what I find most difficult.
On another note, I feel warm and fuzzy inside with pride as I see a friend taking steps in recovery that didn’t seem possible this time last year. I love seeing my friends achieve good things, whatever they are. ❤️