Happy weekend! I get one day off a week and it’s today. Needless to say I’m going to try and make the most of the weather and having time to myself. This week I’m grateful for the level of support I have from a few particular people. All of them motivate me to be better, especially when the last few days have been emotionally challenging for me.
I have had times of extremely low mood before, and been sent to A&E on 3 occasions for suicidal thoughts/actions. I often felt scared in these times, as if I could hardly believe I was in that situation at all. But lately, the thought of dying from restriction stopped seeming scary. It seems completely plausible for me to be 10 years down the line and still dealing with all the thoughts and behaviours, potentially giving up other things I have or would like to have. Eating Disorders are selfish. That voice in my head doesn’t really want me to do anything that takes my focus away from it for too long. I’ve felt hopeless and fed up about not being good enough at being ill, and the never ending confusion about my body just gets more annoying over the years.
All of these feelings prompted a conversation about a new plan for managing food. It takes away the decisions and shuts down the internal conversation about what/if/when to eat. I’ve tried 2 days of this (not perfectly, but close to eating it all) and I hope this could be the beginning of a positive change.
Of course I feel afraid of gaining weight and of losing control, but anybody would in this position (i think)
What do you like to do to relax?
Lots of love xoxo