Depression, fear and new things. 

Happy weekend! I get one day off a week and it’s today. Needless to say I’m going to try and make the most of the weather and having time to myself. This week I’m grateful for the level of support I have from a few particular people. All of them motivate me to be better, especially when the last few days have been emotionally challenging for me. 

I have had times of extremely low mood before, and been sent to A&E on 3 occasions for suicidal thoughts/actions. I often felt scared in these times, as if I could hardly believe I was in that situation at all. But lately, the thought of dying from restriction stopped seeming scary. It seems completely plausible for me to be 10 years down the line and still dealing with all the thoughts and behaviours, potentially giving up other things I have or would like to have. Eating Disorders are selfish. That voice in my head doesn’t really want me to do anything that takes my focus away from it for too long. I’ve felt hopeless and fed up about not being good enough at being ill, and the never ending confusion about my body just gets more annoying over the years. 

All of these feelings prompted a conversation about a new plan for managing food. It takes away the decisions and shuts down the internal conversation about what/if/when to eat. I’ve tried 2 days of this (not perfectly, but close to eating it all) and I hope this could be the beginning of a positive change. 

Of course I feel afraid of gaining weight and of losing control, but anybody would in this position (i think) 

What do you like to do to relax?
Lots of love xoxo

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Depression, fear and new things. 

  1. Hey girl 🙂 happy weekend to you too! I think anything that takes the stress out of having to decide what and whether and when to eat is a great idea, I know it can be scary to let people help you but I know I personally sometimes have found that if I’m overwhelmed it’s less scary to just not have to deal with the added burden of having to choose. I’m glad you have that kind of support available to you and that you have the courage to accept it. I also think that a weird but true thing that following a meal plan taught me was that eating more (than what my ed riddled mind thought was ok) didn’t actually mean that I gained weight. My metabolism just said “thank you very much I can use that” and my weight didn’t change the way I feared (was 110% sure) it would… You’ve got a lot going on and you deserve the nourishment physically and mentally and emotionally I hope the support helps you keep fighting for your freedom to function and enjoy your life xx be who you want to be and not who your ed wants you to be xx 🙂 sending sunshine ! Em

    • Yeah, I think the fear and having to think about everything to make decisions can be too much in times of change. Trying to adjust to new things and also trying to have the courage to accept help and be a bit patient with myself. I hope you’re doing good xxx

      • totally 🙂 hey I just posted some worksheets we were given about dealing with changes on my blog, it might be helpful in terms of breaking down the challenge of the change into smaller elements and identifying your strengths and sources of support while you adjust? I also shared a list I made in a group of self-care activities! feel free to add any (if you suggest sun-bathing in a country with a sunny climate I’ll be well jell tho!) 😀 just kidding ! I love to hear about sunshine 😉 x Em

      • So I read your post & then saw this comment. Wrong order! Anyway, that sheet is definitely useful, and I’ve written it down to come back to. My favourite self care combo is a hot bath and my favourite pyjamas, and I’m also a fan of podcasts and ted talks as you mentioned! I totally went out in the sun today 😎 xx

      • 🙂 aw hot bath + pjs = BLISS for me too! I also love fresh sheets on the bed!! but I’m not a fan of the chore of changing the bed linen, although Lucia is because it’s play time for her! funny how cats love the bed sheets! Yay I’m glad that the sheet seems useful and delighted to hear you were out enjoying the sun 🙂 x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s