I have always been competitive, but my eating disorder has made that personality trait a negative one. A new dancer has arrived and I’m madly trying to compare my body and conclude if I’m bigger or smaller than her. Body dysmorphia is so confusing that I don’t know what’s right! I feel competitive in terms of wanting to dance better than her, and extremely nervous to perform together tomorrow. I’m afraid the audience will compare us, and that their comparisons will favour her (leaving me as the worst, biggest dancer).
Part of the issue with ED comparisons, is that you don’t ever know for sure what the outcome of the worry is. I mean, lets face it, it’s unlikely that an audience member will sit down and score myself and the new girl on our dancing and body sizes! Knowing this doesn’t prevent the worrying, though.
I wish to keep my competitive spirit, and to use my high standards in a healthy way. My eating disorder and OCD struggles have caught me in a cycle of demanding a lot of myself, being afraid to not be good enough, and then criticising myself for whatever goes wrong. Being a perfectionist is not always a helpful thing.