Monthly Archives: July 2017

Pick up where you left off.

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Although this post is actually about friendship (hey chums who clicked the link I sent you. Special message down below for ya), I'm first going to apply the title to the posts I missed for #5adayprogress 🙈 Today I made a few small achievements:

1. FINALLY updating my IOS on my phone (don't judge me.)
2. Making the most of a day to see friends
3. Organising my photo albums and backing up my pictures and videos
4. Making my train this afternoon (this was quite the unexpected success 😂)
5. Treating myself to a bath

Now that's done, I wanted to write about friendships. As somebody who struggles with self belief, as well as mental health disorders, having a bunch of kind, patient, and reliable friends is a source of great comfort and joy in my life. Those people who have faith in me when I lack it, who always have an ear for me, and with whom I've shared some of my very best moments are hugely important.
My closest friends are people that I know love me. Whether our communication is weekly, daily, or a few times a month, we'd be there for one another in any circumstance. I have complete trust that these friendships are strong, and face to face meetings feel like we are picking up as if we saw each other the day before. Unfortunately, this growing up thing inevitably means that friends change. People change, lifestyles change, and priorities change. There are a small number of friends who I still love and care for, but we don't have the connection we once did. That's ok. I've spent some time feeling confused and bad, as if I ought to have done more to cling on to how we were, but that doesn't make sense because neither of us are who we were. Nobody is!
All one can do is accumulate new friends in new parts of life, and relish the special ones with whom it will always be easy to pick up right where we left off ❤️

For the friends:
If you made it through my ramblings, there's another true testament to your love for me 😂 I'm fortunate that all of my friends of clever, pretty, funny and generous, and I hope I do an ok job of reciprocating all those qualities I love so much about you. I hope that none of you will disappear from my life- you all know too much for me to let you go! Xoxo

Day number: too many to keep counting. 

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Thank goodness for today being my day off! I feel like I’ve used my day to the max, and no matter if you like your job or not chill time is always necessary. (Read chill time as “taking a lot of naps”)

Catching up with several friends and my Auntie over the phone is always on my to do’s on a Saturday, and the relationships with those special people are hugely important to the way I feel. I’m lucky to have complete certainty in that there are people who are there for me if and when I need them. Equally, low moods can make me feel alone, but feelings aren’t always right, are they?

My Facebook memories have been filled with photos and statuses from my graduation last year (plus those of the year below me filling my news feed!) and it’s got me thinking about what graduate life has taught me. 

A lot. 

Of course I left my training with knowledge and skills that have helped me, but nothing can replace actual experience- both good and bad. One of the biggest things has been becoming the boss of my own progress; setting goals, finding time and places to practice, taking on board criticism. I’ve also learned to never settle for where I am. Creative work is always changing and not always predictable, so this year has taught me to always be looking for potential opportunities, while also maximising the experience I’m currently having. 

Performing the same shows every week has made me find ways to push myself and try to develop and see a difference between the beginning and end of the contract. Basically, being complacent is not an option. 

One of the hardest lessons of graduate life? It’s not a race. There isn’t one destination for everybody, and people getting a better job quicker than me doesn’t make me a failure. For me that’s challenging. I’m black and white about everything…. shock horror 🙈

There are parts of training I’d love to do again, but other parts that I’m glad to have left behind (aka fitness at 8am and my least favourite classes/teachers 😂). 

Ps. Mental health problems will come with you, even if you move countries, so note to self: money for therapy is worth it and get your shit together. 

Day 38.

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SOOOOOO TIRED. 

today I didn’t feel the show was my best. That frustrated me, as did a stupid comment off one of the bar staff. Now I’m home and showered, I’m lay in bed hoping to sleep tonight. Tomorrow morning we have rehearsal, then 11-1and 3-5 of day activities, then a show at night. Anxious to sleep, but equally anxious that I won’t be able to!

#5adayprogress

1. Ordered something I need in time to receive it when I go to England 

2. Did this post instead of skipping it like I wanted to

3. Handling a really difficult child earlier when I was doing a game with some of the guests 

4. Laundry ✅

5. Sent off for another job I saw online

Days 35-37.

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Some days went by. Oops. 

I keep having extreme dips in my mood during the afternoons. This is the time when I feel fatter, more hopeless, unmotivated and useless. Then I do the show for the night and usually feel different afterwards. Logically I realise food could have something to do with this, but I simply feel I shouldn’t need higher intake to feel better. 

Today I feel I haven’t achieved much, so I might have to include the days I missed in this…

#5adayprogress

1. Booked a massage 

2. Worked on a dance step I want to improve in the gym 

3. Took a walk on my free afternoon (yesterday)

4. Did laundry (sunday)

I can’t even come up with another one. I’m not in the right frame of mind. At the moment I’m trying to improve certain areas of my life, while not doing so in others. It’s like one fighting the other, and I don’t know if it’s possible to do both. Perhaps I will write about it when I feel more like talking about it. 

Night for now 

Being a person, too. 

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I experienced a real feeling of happiness earlier. I was lay on the beach with a newly purchased beach towel and I felt like the world was my oyster. For once, I wasn’t thinking about being sick enough, being hungry, or being overwhelmed. I felt optimistic and focused about things that I want to improve on as a dancer and singer. I felt peaceful. 

Because being good at my illness has become so integral to the way I am, I so often forget that I was a person before my mental health problems existed. The fleeting positive feeling of earlier has made me think about who I am as a person. One of my biggest fears about recovery is that I would lose my identity. 

Who is the me without illness?                             I am a caring person, somebody who does as much as I can to avoid letting people down. If I’m your friend, I will want to support you in both struggles and triumphs. I get pleasure from sending cards, letters and spontaneous gifts to the people I love, and the friendships I have are ones I will hold onto for life. I consider myself fortunate- fortunate to have amazing people in my life, that have been there for me through great difficulty. 

I’m organised and honest, and I’m a person who dislikes confrontation. I like about myself that I have neat handwriting and work hard. I’m funny (a sarcastic comment never goes amiss!), sensitive and good with children. 

I’m also not the most confident. I don’t really like writing these nice things about myself, as mostly I think about who I am through the eyes of who/what/how good my eating disorder is. Usually I’m not thinking about me… but there’s a first time for everything. 

Xoxox 

Day 32. 

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It’s only 6pm, but I feel like doing this now. Today I’m fighting off feelings of being inadequate the other girl is doing the duets in the new show. I am still in the show, but I feel a bit jealous and not good enough. *side note- she has done the entire show before a couple of years ago so it saves learning time for her to do it*

That being said, I’m also thinking ahead to the future. There are lots of companies and certain things I’d like to do as a performer, and I’m preparing songs for an audition for one of them. I’ve got 2 weeks to get ready,and I’m attempting to do beneficial practice in the times I have the flat to myself. 

I find the support on here really great, and part of me wants to share a bit more about myself…. so….. if you have Instagram feel free to follow me! (@rosyroo_) 💜 the ED bit of me is concerned this will invite negative judgement from people, but maybe that’s just me being afraid that I can’t control what people will think.

I got a few things done today, so my successes were: 

1. Ordering contact lenses

2. Getting out the house for a bit in my break

3. Planning my gym session for tomorrow 

TBC…..

Day 31. 

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Technically speaking, it’s past midnight but never mind! 

#5adayprogress

1. Laundry 

2. Sorted my emails (until the app crashed, but that’s not my fault 😂)

3. Got incredible feedback off a lovely family, which made my day

4. Managed not to get eaten alive by mosquitoes. (The struggle is real. They love me)

5. Made a good to do list for tomorrow 

Day 30. *that’s a lot of days, FYI…

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Today is a whole month since I started posting daily. I’m as shocked as you are that I’ve done it (minus the odd combined post!) I think that posting small successes has helped me to feel more productive in general, and I’ve noticed that a lot of my posts say something like today has been full of…..Maybe that’s because I’m actually taking note of the little things that I’d usually ignore! As I’m feeling a bit lost and wobbly right now, I’m going to carry on, but I’m thinking that this might become a weekly post, rather than a daily one when I’m in a better place. 

Something I’m terrible at is letting things go. A comment (albeit a totally unnecessary one) from a colleague really irritated me. No, he shouldn’t be so annoying and comment on things that go wrong ONCE (rather than giving me the benefit of the doubt and mentioning something if it is a consistent issue…. just saying), but that’s who he is. Two hours after the comment, it’s still on my mind. He went home with his wife, laughing and smiling, and absolutely not giving a monkeys about it now. Why is it that other people let things go so easily? because any mistake or mishap isn’t a personal failure to them. 

NEWSFLASH BRAIN! Not everybody cares so much about every. little. thing. 

Now I’ve organised my brain (well, you know, as much as a crazy person can), let’s get onto my day:

  • Woke up. Felt ok, went to rehearsal. All fine apart from being a bit tired 
  • Spent 2 hours with some children, got given a picture as a present, left for lunch 5 minutes early (WINNER)
  • Enjoyed a little nap, then back to work where I had to supervise a water activity in the pool for 30 minutes
  • Sorted out my costumes, went to the gym, showtime 💃🏻

All that went “wrong” today was missing a cue (by literally 3 seconds) because of my mask, and having yet another conversation about a lift in one of the dances. I’m doing it the way I know; he does it differently and we need to try it his way so he shuts the hell up about it. I’m happy to practice. In fact, I would do it now quite frankly. Tomorrow I will suggest we do it in the morning rehearsal because I’m fed up of doing it, finishing the number, and returning backstage to the tune of “we have to practice that” every time. 

#5adayprogress

1. Went to the gym because I knew it was better than sitting about worrying 

2. Watched a programme I downloaded the other day to relax in my break

3. Washed my dishes (our tap sucks. washing dishes takes effort in this house)

4. Sorted out how I can fix a top I broke (oops)

5. Shared my blog with a friend. Hey Bean!

Xoxo 

Day 29: mood rollercoaster. 

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I woke up tired and irritable. A small comment from a colleague made me really defensive and rubbed me up the wrong way before the day had even started. I tried to let it go, and remember that a normal person wouldn’t even be thinking about something so silly. Today was also the last day for some of the best guests. A lovely, lovely couple, and a beautiful, funny 3 year old who got really attached to me. I was genuinely tearful saying goodbye, but I’m thankful for having met them and made memories with them. 

During the afternoon, I had a few hours off and achieved lots of things of my list. BUT I ate something that made me feel unsafe, but solved it by restricting later. Now I feel calm about it because I’m even. My workout at the gym was really good. I did a bit more than I’d planned,  and it was followed by tonight’s show. 💪🏻💃🏻

From being tired, sad, grateful, tired again, pleased with myself, happy, anxious/angry, motivated and down, I feel like I’ve had all the feelings today! Everyday always features times of feeling down and thinking into whether I’m sick/not sick/sick enough/thin, fat, etc, but to me that’s normal. Those parts of my mood changes don’t shock me, but the rapid change of emotions can be difficult. 

Blabbing over. 

#5adayprogress

1. Started a list for England to do’s

2. Did well at the gym 

3. Called my friend as planned 

4. Had a sing in preparation for an audition at the end of the month 

5. Had a good think about the perfectionism book (I’m deffo stuck on the next bit)

Tomorrow I want:

  • Do something I enjoy in my afternoon gap