Although this post is actually about friendship (hey chums who clicked the link I sent you. Special message down below for ya), I'm first going to apply the title to the posts I missed for #5adayprogress 🙈 Today I made a few small achievements:
1. FINALLY updating my IOS on my phone (don't judge me.)
2. Making the most of a day to see friends
3. Organising my photo albums and backing up my pictures and videos
4. Making my train this afternoon (this was quite the unexpected success 😂)
5. Treating myself to a bath
Now that's done, I wanted to write about friendships. As somebody who struggles with self belief, as well as mental health disorders, having a bunch of kind, patient, and reliable friends is a source of great comfort and joy in my life. Those people who have faith in me when I lack it, who always have an ear for me, and with whom I've shared some of my very best moments are hugely important.
My closest friends are people that I know love me. Whether our communication is weekly, daily, or a few times a month, we'd be there for one another in any circumstance. I have complete trust that these friendships are strong, and face to face meetings feel like we are picking up as if we saw each other the day before. Unfortunately, this growing up thing inevitably means that friends change. People change, lifestyles change, and priorities change. There are a small number of friends who I still love and care for, but we don't have the connection we once did. That's ok. I've spent some time feeling confused and bad, as if I ought to have done more to cling on to how we were, but that doesn't make sense because neither of us are who we were. Nobody is!
All one can do is accumulate new friends in new parts of life, and relish the special ones with whom it will always be easy to pick up right where we left off ❤️
For the friends:
If you made it through my ramblings, there's another true testament to your love for me 😂 I'm fortunate that all of my friends of clever, pretty, funny and generous, and I hope I do an ok job of reciprocating all those qualities I love so much about you. I hope that none of you will disappear from my life- you all know too much for me to let you go! Xoxo
Thank goodness for today being my day off! I feel like I’ve used my day to the max, and no matter if you like your job or not chill time is always necessary. (Read chill time as “taking a lot of naps”)
Catching up with several friends and my Auntie over the phone is always on my to do’s on a Saturday, and the relationships with those special people are hugely important to the way I feel. I’m lucky to have complete certainty in that there are people who are there for me if and when I need them. Equally, low moods can make me feel alone, but feelings aren’t always right, are they?
My Facebook memories have been filled with photos and statuses from my graduation last year (plus those of the year below me filling my news feed!) and it’s got me thinking about what graduate life has taught me.
Of course I left my training with knowledge and skills that have helped me, but nothing can replace actual experience- both good and bad. One of the biggest things has been becoming the boss of my own progress; setting goals, finding time and places to practice, taking on board criticism. I’ve also learned to never settle for where I am. Creative work is always changing and not always predictable, so this year has taught me to always be looking for potential opportunities, while also maximising the experience I’m currently having.
Performing the same shows every week has made me find ways to push myself and try to develop and see a difference between the beginning and end of the contract. Basically, being complacent is not an option.
One of the hardest lessons of graduate life? It’s not a race. There isn’t one destination for everybody, and people getting a better job quicker than me doesn’t make me a failure. For me that’s challenging. I’m black and white about everything…. shock horror 🙈
There are parts of training I’d love to do again, but other parts that I’m glad to have left behind (aka fitness at 8am and my least favourite classes/teachers 😂).
Ps. Mental health problems will come with you, even if you move countries, so note to self: money for therapy is worth it and get your shit together.
today I didn’t feel the show was my best. That frustrated me, as did a stupid comment off one of the bar staff. Now I’m home and showered, I’m lay in bed hoping to sleep tonight. Tomorrow morning we have rehearsal, then 11-1and 3-5 of day activities, then a show at night. Anxious to sleep, but equally anxious that I won’t be able to!
1. Ordered something I need in time to receive it when I go to England
2. Did this post instead of skipping it like I wanted to
3. Handling a really difficult child earlier when I was doing a game with some of the guests
4. Laundry ✅
5. Sent off for another job I saw online
Some days went by. Oops.
I keep having extreme dips in my mood during the afternoons. This is the time when I feel fatter, more hopeless, unmotivated and useless. Then I do the show for the night and usually feel different afterwards. Logically I realise food could have something to do with this, but I simply feel I shouldn’t need higher intake to feel better.
Today I feel I haven’t achieved much, so I might have to include the days I missed in this…
1. Booked a massage
2. Worked on a dance step I want to improve in the gym
3. Took a walk on my free afternoon (yesterday)
4. Did laundry (sunday)
I can’t even come up with another one. I’m not in the right frame of mind. At the moment I’m trying to improve certain areas of my life, while not doing so in others. It’s like one fighting the other, and I don’t know if it’s possible to do both. Perhaps I will write about it when I feel more like talking about it.
Night for now
I experienced a real feeling of happiness earlier. I was lay on the beach with a newly purchased beach towel and I felt like the world was my oyster. For once, I wasn’t thinking about being sick enough, being hungry, or being overwhelmed. I felt optimistic and focused about things that I want to improve on as a dancer and singer. I felt peaceful.
Because being good at my illness has become so integral to the way I am, I so often forget that I was a person before my mental health problems existed. The fleeting positive feeling of earlier has made me think about who I am as a person. One of my biggest fears about recovery is that I would lose my identity.
Who is the me without illness? I am a caring person, somebody who does as much as I can to avoid letting people down. If I’m your friend, I will want to support you in both struggles and triumphs. I get pleasure from sending cards, letters and spontaneous gifts to the people I love, and the friendships I have are ones I will hold onto for life. I consider myself fortunate- fortunate to have amazing people in my life, that have been there for me through great difficulty.
I’m organised and honest, and I’m a person who dislikes confrontation. I like about myself that I have neat handwriting and work hard. I’m funny (a sarcastic comment never goes amiss!), sensitive and good with children.
I’m also not the most confident. I don’t really like writing these nice things about myself, as mostly I think about who I am through the eyes of who/what/how good my eating disorder is. Usually I’m not thinking about me… but there’s a first time for everything.
1. Did something in the gym today even though I felt tired
2. Sweeped my floor
3. Started faffing with some videos I need to send off for an audition
4. Challenged myself and completed the new bosu ball workout yesterday 💪🏻💃🏻
5. Called my Auntie ❤️
It’s only 6pm, but I feel like doing this now. Today I’m fighting off feelings of being inadequate the other girl is doing the duets in the new show. I am still in the show, but I feel a bit jealous and not good enough. *side note- she has done the entire show before a couple of years ago so it saves learning time for her to do it*
That being said, I’m also thinking ahead to the future. There are lots of companies and certain things I’d like to do as a performer, and I’m preparing songs for an audition for one of them. I’ve got 2 weeks to get ready,and I’m attempting to do beneficial practice in the times I have the flat to myself.
I find the support on here really great, and part of me wants to share a bit more about myself…. so….. if you have Instagram feel free to follow me! (@rosyroo_) 💜 the ED bit of me is concerned this will invite negative judgement from people, but maybe that’s just me being afraid that I can’t control what people will think.
I got a few things done today, so my successes were:
1. Ordering contact lenses
2. Getting out the house for a bit in my break
3. Planning my gym session for tomorrow