I have a billion thoughts in my mind right now: worry and confusion over my body/size, trying to plan food for tomorrow, anxiety about an upcoming trip home, depressive thoughts, and of course, the 24/7 “you aren’t sick enough” playlist that I have going on in there. Tired would be an understatement.
The thing is, most of today was totally fine. Nothing out of the ordinary at work, nothing unexpected at home, nothing of note. But when you overthink everything, it’s the little things. It’s whether I look bigger or smaller in a video than I thought I did yesterday, or the way somebody spoke to me (did they mean x or y? Did they think this or that). And now I’m sat in bed (boiling hot- WHY IS MY WINDOW ONLY ABOUT THE SIZE OF COMPUTER SCREEN?!), and thinking about what I want. Am I sick enough to get better? Do I want to get better? Am I sick of even having these thoughts? I don’t know about the first two, but yes is the answer to the last one! I’m so, so desperately fed of feeling like I don’t know things. I don’t know what I look like, I don’t know if my anorexia is real, I don’t know if I want to be normal, I don’t know if I can face the future. Sometimes I just want to give up on life. Again, most of my day was fine and so I have no reason to feel so deflated now. *cue being annoyed at how I feel because I don’t understand it*
Now I’ve blabbed on forever, let’s attempt #5adayprogress shall we…
1. I bothered to try and do this
2. Organised a bit more of my trip
That’s all I have. Never mind