I experienced a real feeling of happiness earlier. I was lay on the beach with a newly purchased beach towel and I felt like the world was my oyster. For once, I wasn’t thinking about being sick enough, being hungry, or being overwhelmed. I felt optimistic and focused about things that I want to improve on as a dancer and singer. I felt peaceful.
Because being good at my illness has become so integral to the way I am, I so often forget that I was a person before my mental health problems existed. The fleeting positive feeling of earlier has made me think about who I am as a person. One of my biggest fears about recovery is that I would lose my identity.
Who is the me without illness? I am a caring person, somebody who does as much as I can to avoid letting people down. If I’m your friend, I will want to support you in both struggles and triumphs. I get pleasure from sending cards, letters and spontaneous gifts to the people I love, and the friendships I have are ones I will hold onto for life. I consider myself fortunate- fortunate to have amazing people in my life, that have been there for me through great difficulty.
I’m organised and honest, and I’m a person who dislikes confrontation. I like about myself that I have neat handwriting and work hard. I’m funny (a sarcastic comment never goes amiss!), sensitive and good with children.
I’m also not the most confident. I don’t really like writing these nice things about myself, as mostly I think about who I am through the eyes of who/what/how good my eating disorder is. Usually I’m not thinking about me… but there’s a first time for everything.