Day 28.

I have a billion thoughts in my mind right now: worry and confusion over my body/size, trying to plan food for tomorrow, anxiety about an upcoming trip home, depressive thoughts, and of course, the 24/7 “you aren’t sick enough” playlist that I have going on in there. Tired would be an understatement. 

The thing is, most of today was totally fine. Nothing out of the ordinary at work, nothing unexpected at home, nothing of note. But when you overthink everything, it’s the little things. It’s whether I look bigger or smaller in a video than I thought I did yesterday, or the way somebody spoke to me (did they mean x or y? Did they think this or that). And now I’m sat in bed (boiling hot- WHY IS MY WINDOW ONLY ABOUT THE SIZE OF COMPUTER SCREEN?!), and thinking about what I want. Am I sick enough to get better? Do I want to get better? Am I sick of even having these thoughts? I don’t know about the first two, but yes is the answer to the last one! I’m so, so desperately fed of feeling like I don’t know things. I don’t know what I look like, I don’t know if my anorexia is real, I don’t know if I want to be normal, I don’t know if I can face the future. Sometimes I just want to give up on life. Again, most of my day was fine and so I have no reason to feel so deflated now. *cue being annoyed at how I feel because I don’t understand it*

Now I’ve blabbed on forever, let’s attempt #5adayprogress shall we…

1. I bothered to try and do this

2. Organised a bit more of my trip

That’s all I have. Never mind

Day 25,26&27: anxiety, good shows and free time.

I know it’s unneccessary, but I do feel a bit bad for not posting daily since Wednesday. I was tired and busy, but I believe that I didn’t prioritise things well enough. Realistically it wouldn’t have taken long to post, but my mind wasn’t in a place of “let’s do something potentially beneficial”. I was more on course for self distruct and priotising not so great things. 

Today was my day off. WOOOO! I’m going to do my #5adayprogress as a list of 5 successes from any of the 3 days this post covers. 

1. Editing the video I had to do

2. Maximising my gym session today by dancing in the empty studio as well! 

3. Doing both productive and relaxing things today, and feeling like I’ve spent my time well 

4. Not picking at small errors on Friday and just enjoying the feeling of Fridays show being a good one

5. Getting back to these posts 

I do wish that my ED thoughts weren’t so confusing. It’s getting a bit overwhelming right now. 

Day 24: “this show goes badly.”

Happy Wednesday! For me Wednesday is a busy day. Quite a few activities in the day, and a show with lots of costume changes and new parts in the evening. During a costume change, the other dancer was saying that she thinks this show is bad/ always goes badly. I HATE when people make comments like this. Surely a show is a good as you choose to do it! Now, for a brief moment I’m going to be a bit judgemental…

I go to the gym before the shows. It’s important for me to be really warm so I can do my best, and use freestyle sections to do flexibility tricks and kicks. Whenever I haven’t been to the gym, I go early to warm up. I’m always the first to arrive, and the one who knows the choreography. For me personally, this show is my weakest one, but that being said, I always want to get it right and perform well. While I can easily tell you 20 things I could have done better tonight, I do feel that this girl is judging the show instead of thinking how do I make this better? She has done acting work previously and considers her acting as her main thing, yet I can’t understand why she wouldn’t take time alone to go through things or work to do her best for herself. Maybe it’s a personality thing. Rant over. 

#5adayprogress

1. Went to the gym despite not being in a great mood beforehand

2. Did my laundry (and also forget to collect it from the laundry room for 3 hours, but shhhhh)

3. Washed my hair

4. Ate my food spread through the day 

5. Drank more water

Tomorrow I want to: 

• Respond to the email I got today 
• Practice a new dance ready for Friday 

Days 22&23: need sleep.

Yesterday finished with a crappy meeting that made me anxious. The details aren’t really important, but it meant I couldn’t think straight to write, and that I was home super late. 

Today was generally a better day (and not just because my fave protein bars arrived in the post 😂). I am in a state of worry lately, which is making sleep a challenge. Of course, sleeping in the day feels like the only thing I want to do, but come night time it’s like some kind playlist of worries! I have tried EVERYTHING to help me sleep, as I’ve had pretty bad sleep problems in the past. I suppose I just have to wait it out this time. 😴

Anyhoo, #5adayprogress

1. Getting a bonus at work (we all did, but based on scores which we had to achieve as team to get it)

2. Showering 

3. Getting out for a bit earlier

4. Responding to messages I’ve had sat in my whatsapp inbox for ages 

5. Getting my clothes ready for tomorrow 

Day 21: short and sweet.

Let’s cut straight to it today! #5adayprogress

1. Did laundry

2. Planned my workout for tomorrow

3. Video called mum 

4. Got a rucksack

5. Did this post even though I’m tired 

Tomorrow I want to: 

• Call my friend R in the afternoon 
• Enjoy the sun for a bit 
• Pop to town

Day 20. Criticism from others.

I’m so glad I had today off. The lie in I had was very much needed! Anyone else feel like their bed is one of the best places ever? 😂 

Today I encountered some unexpected feedback from somebody and I’ve been fighting feeling negative about myself over it. For context, my second language is Spanish. I’m NOT perfect, but my whole professional life here is in Spanish, and I’m the only one for whom it isn’t my native language. My knowledge of Spanish is actually a skill that I’m quite proud of (one of few things I think I do quite well). So when I trotted in to see if a parcel had arrived and a cleaner took the mick of how I’d said something, I was offended. It made me think I’m not good enough, that the mistake was silly because I normally wouldn’t make a basic error. It made me think that I’m not fluent because I stumbled over my words today. Does her opinion matter? No. Can she speak two languages? No. Can I? Yes. Does getting tongue tied mean anything about me? Not really, but it feels like it. 

Proof I really do know Spanish:

• Sometimes I have dreams in Spanish 
• I often don’t really think before I speak. It comes out, just as I would in English 
• People have told me more than 10 times since I arrived here that I speak really well, that they thought I was Spanish etc etc

These little things are times I’m realising how much of a perfectionist I am. Most people wouldn’t care over something so trivial, but my brain hates that I didn’t do it perfectly. 

Time for #5adayprogress:

1. Sent emails 

2. Spoke to my Auntie and one of my best friends 

3. Cleaned the sink

4. Booked my transfer to go and see my family soon ⭐️

5. Had a bath 

Tomorrow I want to:

• Do my laundry
• Plan my workout for Monday 
• Video call my Mum 

Xoxo