Everything feels hard right now. Several times a day over this last I don't know how long, I find myself wishing I didn't have to do anything but stay in bed. Sitting in my own little hole feels so appealing and necessary. Unfortunately, I don't have that option, so everyday I have to drag myself up and pretend to be fine all over again.
ED-wise, I reach this kind of end of my tether sensation once in a while, where I feel like I just cannot handle making a single decision more about food. It's like I've walked straight into a concrete wall and the concussion has made me confused and unable to do anything ,let alone the right thing. Naturally, all these thoughts and exhaustion over my ED lower my mood, and when I'm in a patch of bad depressive thoughts it's hard to shake it off. One fire fuels the other, and the days pass regardless.
When I'm not panicking or wishing I could disappear, I still appreciate that I'm performing and in the sunshine, but even my shows don't give me the same level of release from normality that they normally do. (On an average day, doing the show in the evening gets me through the day, and will make my day finish well because I'm happy from doing it).
I need therapy to come sooner. Monday seems a thousand years away.
I'm trying to not to think to far into the future to avoid feeling overwhelmed, but equally I do need to continue looking for auditions and potential things for when my contract finishes. I guess I just need to find options, and not be fixated on trying to plan exactly what I will do and when.
If you've made it this far, congrats on navigating this bunch of ramblings. I hope your day has gone well. Comment below what was good about it. (For me, my protein bars arrived and that's excitement in my sad little life 😂)