Im lay awake (no surprises there, but also, it's approx 1 billion degrees in my room…) and trying to digest a conversation I had with the choreographer this evening.
To summarise, he shouted and got angry backstage tonight. The issue was about us girls not doing enough. He was effing and blinding and threw his hat on the floor. We finished the show and the two other girls went home. Me being me, I can't leave a situation with the possibility that somebody is angry with me. Also, I'm sensitive in general and the shouting rubs me up the wrong way.
After a 30 minute discussion (he was totally calm now), the upshot was that the main problem is somebody else's attitude infecting the group. She always has an excuse, and so he feels other people are making excuses for themselves rather than just listening to him as our boss.
Having trained for 4 years with a whole mixture of teaching styles, I know that everybody teaches choreography differently and has different expectations, BUT I think both sides in this scenario are justified.
I see that he, as our boss, is perfectly entitled to point out errors or areas where more can be given in the shows; however, I don't think we should except incorrect judgements or unnecessary snappiness. Equally, everyone in this situation is human and we all have our weaknesses. His is getting angry a little too quickly in my view, hers is not always knowing when to shut up and get on with it, mine is being too sensitive about comments.
I could analyse this situation for the next 3 hours trying to convince myself that it's not my fault/I'm not doing anything bad. But I have to remind myself that the other dancer nor the choreographer will be sat at home thinking about this. Infact, my conversation with him has proven that it's mostly not a critique of me. I'm not perfect and want to do more, but I'm not the main source of irritation it seems.
We're changing positions next week and I hope that rehearsing that will make it clear that I really am 100% certain of my choreography.
Note to self: just calm down. Forget it. You are fine, EVERYBODY can do more and it doesn't make you bad or not good enough. Go to sleep and wake up ready for the day.