I HATE how much my mind obsesses over numbers. Today, I was filling in a form and had to go and buy a tape measure in order to complete a few measurements. Some of these were no issue- arm length, head circumference etc. I decided there were some that I wouldn't be able to cope with knowing, and avoided them by making an educated guess. There have been periods throughout my disorder where measurements have been my main focus, and so I have an idea of my biggest and smallest figures and can make a reasonable estimate.
The problem is, now I have that tape measure and part of me wants to do everything and monitor it. I'm not sure I could handle it emotionally though, as my weight number did once cause me to become suicidal. Of all the measurements I did do today, my thigh is my biggest worry. They seem huge now, and now it's hard to believe comments I've had about being thin lately.
My mind has a folder where it stores an entire spectrum of numbers. Without trying, I can remember my thigh circumference from 2012. Clearly this unnecessary information to have stored up there, but nevertheless it is. The constant comparison to try and work out where I am on my own size spectrum is confusing and tiring. Partly I want to forget it, and partly I want to get small enough to write off all the big numbers and be done with it.
I’m also a numbers person. I wrote a couple posts back how be giving my scale to my nutritionist, I was giving him control of the numbers. However, it doesn’t stop me looking up nutritional data, sigh. I tell on myself all the time though so he is aware of it. I hope that my number obsession lessens over time.
It’s tricky to forget about numbers when you have them memorised. Like certain foods I know the data for- most foods in fact- so it’s hard to ignore the thoughts. Some days are better than others, though. I do believe it’s a symptom that can fade over time. That’s what people always tell me!
A lot of the obsessive thinking, for me, is to occupy my brain so nothing else gets in like those pesky feelings and memories. I’m hoping that as it fills with stuff I have to learn at the Ranch, it’ll shove those obsessive thoughts away.
Hopefully you can start to deal with all those shoved away thoughts as they come along and you’re in a place to deal with them. 🙏🏻