I HATE how much my mind obsesses over numbers. Today, I was filling in a form and had to go and buy a tape measure in order to complete a few measurements. Some of these were no issue- arm length, head circumference etc. I decided there were some that I wouldn't be able to cope with knowing, and avoided them by making an educated guess. There have been periods throughout my disorder where measurements have been my main focus, and so I have an idea of my biggest and smallest figures and can make a reasonable estimate.
The problem is, now I have that tape measure and part of me wants to do everything and monitor it. I'm not sure I could handle it emotionally though, as my weight number did once cause me to become suicidal. Of all the measurements I did do today, my thigh is my biggest worry. They seem huge now, and now it's hard to believe comments I've had about being thin lately.
My mind has a folder where it stores an entire spectrum of numbers. Without trying, I can remember my thigh circumference from 2012. Clearly this unnecessary information to have stored up there, but nevertheless it is. The constant comparison to try and work out where I am on my own size spectrum is confusing and tiring. Partly I want to forget it, and partly I want to get small enough to write off all the big numbers and be done with it.