Lately I've been noticing a huge variation in my thoughts. I can feel a sense of breakthrough, of finally thinking I want to recover, only to experience extreme obsessive behaviour and thoughts of cutting fat off my body just a few hours later. To say I'm confused is an understatement.
As an over thinker in general, I'm sure I'm more aware of my thoughts and perhaps respond more deeply than others might. I'm worn out from so many highs and lows, and no progress in concluding what I want as a result!
In 6 weeks I will be back in England. That feels like a deadline by which I should be "thin enough", but also like a time frame in which I could achieve more positive things with my eating.
Can I have the middle ground? Can I be losing weight while making a tiny increase in calories? Can I get thinner and also take steps in the right direction? Deep down I think I know the answer, but I don't like it.
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anadancer 
I’m right with you there!
You can do it though, it’s a ride for sure!
Thank you 😊😊
If you are not ready to gain then maybe focus on maintaining for now.Thats better than losing weight.Deep down you know what is right.Find your strength and fight for recovery.xx
Thank you for your comment 🙂 I’m unable to weigh myself (because of actions I took once after doing so) so I’m stuck in a cycle of taking photos, working out how much my ribs/collar bones etc show, and making sure certain clothes are loose on me. That way I can know I’m not getting bigger. Lately people have commented I’ve lost weight; and to be honest, I feel that making decisions around food has been too hard, and so I’ve just avoided making any at all. I’ve got therapy on the weekend and she is also a dietitian so we are going to try and think about what I can eat that is consistent. Xx
Would you be open to giving up the body checking rituals?
I know for someone with an eating disorder gaining weight can be terrifying but it can also be liberating!!!I never thought I could be ok with being at a healthy weight but now I am here it’s really ok,the process of getting there is hard but worth it.
If making decisions around food is hard then maybe a meal plan would be useful for you.Start of with “safe” foods that you feel comfortable with eating and then maybe begin to challenge yourself a little more.
I believe in you.
Just yesterday we’ve spoken about a meal plan, so this is the first week of trying to eat in a rhythm etc. Hopefully this week can prove to me it doesn’t have to be super scary
Thank you for the kind message😊
I’m proud of you for being willing to give a meal plan a go.Try your best and see how you go with it.😊