Bodies, definitions & confusion.

HELP ME. Not literally (although if that were possible, it would be ideal 😂).

Let me walk you all through my messy brain. I’m feeling hopeless and angry because I don’t know the answer to the questions my brain is endlessly cycling.

Am I thin or fat?

Can I get better and not end up too big?

Does everyone have to gain a lot of weight in recovery?

As anorexia is defined by restriction resulting in weight loss/low body weight, does the label anorexia mean I am thin?

Would somebody big ever be labelled as anorexic by a professional?

If I lose a lot of weight in the next few weeks before a doctors appointment, will they validate my disorder?

I wish I had the energy and sense of calm enough to actually write about all this, but I simply don’t. My brain is on overdrive and I can’t settle to think each thing through.

Ramblings

Over

Xox

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9 thoughts on “Bodies, definitions & confusion.

    • I just want the answers you know.
      I don’t think recovered means fat for most people, as fat isn’t the optimum health for us, but it’s a normal fear I guess.
      Good luck tomorrow

  1. Every time I left treatment I was okay with my weight, not happy mind you, but it was livable. It’s the weight fluctuations afterward that are super distressing to me. This past weekend I’ve been dealing with fluid retention which is super hard for me to acknowledge. Any added weight, even if it’s fluid is fat in my mind. That’s just the EDs belief though. Even though it’s super hard, I’m “choosing” to do what my nutritionist is recommending.

    No, not everyone has to gain weight in treatment. Not everyone is emaciated. The first time I went to this treatment center there was someone who was overweight but labeled as anorexic. I forget the actual term for overweight anorexics. I’m sitting in a cafe right now so can’t look it up in the book, lol.

    Despite what the majority of treatment centers say (BMI is what determines anorexia), the place I go to it’s behavior, malnutrition and how much weight has been lost over a certain period of time and other factors of course. The first time I went (and at previous treatment centers) I was labeled anorexic. At this most recent time it was just ‘eating disorder’ because I didn’t lose that much weight (yet) and even though I was significantly malnutritioned I didn’t have other things like low heart rate, etc. I’m kind of glad now because I don’t think I could have benefitted from the program like I did if I was worse then I was. As it is, I was in bad shape. Thank goodness I survived!

    Are you thin or fat? I’m not sure any of us can answer that for ourselves because of our distorted perceptions of our bodies. I’m fairly certain I will always think I’m fat, no matter how thin I get. My hope is that I can get to a point where I can simply be okay in my own skin. Plus, my fatness/thinness is also reflective of my emotional state. If someone commented on your being thin, would you believe them? Even if you did, would you believe them the next time you look in the mirror or sit down to eat?

    Ugh, it’s all so complicated. For my recovery, I need to keep things simple.

    • That last sentence is where my trouble lies. I get caught up in all these confusing questions and never fully know the answer.
      And yes, people have commented I’m thin, but as soon as something else has a negative effect on my emotions, I stop believing them and feel fat again. Then it’s a cycle of seeking out reassurance.
      You’re also right that you can be malnourished and unhealthy at any weight (I know I wasn’t healthy even when I was a normal weight but battling bulimia)
      I suppose my problem is that I can’t settle for not knowing the answers to all the questions in my mind, but maybe, like you said it’s better to keep it simple and leave those as questions that are unanswerable

      • I’m such an answer person so I really do understand. After this last time at treatment though I decided I need to suspend my need for that and just do what’s in front of me. It’s hard, I’m not going to lie… but I’m beginning to get glimmers of what it feels like to be better. I was going through some papers from months ago and can see such a big difference like in confidence and having a voice. Apparently I have my humor back too because I had everyone laughing all through dinner meal at iOP tonight. It feels good to make people laugh for once.

        My Achilles heal though is still my body image. I’m gritting my teeth till my appointment next Wednesday, a full week away! 😳 I’m looking at it as baby steps. I’m also no longer thinking in terms of recovery from an eating disorder but instead moving forward with personal growth. I want more then “just surviving an ED”. I think you’ve mention that a few times and now I understand.

      • I don’t know why I only just saw this?! Technology is strange. I like making people laugh too. Funny how sometimes people who make a group laugh aren’t always the happiest in the room. Keep thinking about the goals you have for your life. It’s only recently that I’ve imagined myself wanting to be a mother one day, for example, and that’s a real motivator

  2. It’s excellent you are able to identify a “want” that isn’t eating disordered! That’s a great step forward. 😊 I hope you are able to acknowledge the progress. I know that for me, for a long time I couldn’t see progress or maybe it was that I was scared to acknowledge that I was making progress. I felt like I had somehow failed the “real” me. But that supposed real me was actually just the anorexic identity. The true “real” me likes that I’m finally moving forward, not because of what staff wants, but because I’m operating from a more empowered place. Make sense?

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