Rock and a hard place.

Sometimes you just feel stuck, don’t you? My contract has finished and I’m back in UK. It’s so lovely to be with the people I love, and I know that time to relax is essential. However, the last few days my mood has crashed big time. Totally no motivation, headaches, sleepless nights but napping in the day, horrible mental images… the lot.

Although I have hopes for my career and want to achieve more things, I almost feel unable to progress right now. I’m desperate for life to pause so I can work out what the fuck I’m feeling and what to do. Part of me feels desperately struggling; the other part feels like my anorexia is a joke and there’s no way I actually need a break to sort it out.

Everybody thinks I can cope with whatever I’m thrown into, because I have got through my last contract even with my problems. I’m just afraid.

Body confusion central.

Most of the time, I would say I’m confused about what my true appearance is. Everyday is like looking at myself in a house of mirrors, as the reflection varies so much.

Today, it seems we’ve hit rush hour at body confusion central, and I’m frankly overwhelmed with what’s happening in my head. Somebody photographed me cuddling my dog today, and I think I look kinda thin in the picture, but most of today I’ve been seeing my reflection in glass, mirrors and car doors, as a constant reminder that my anorexia must be a lie. Now I’m torn between what the truth is and what I want to do.

Part of me wants to get more muscular and stop being afraid. I know I will be a better performer if I’m stronger and more energised. On the flip side, I want to waste away. I want to be in hospital, or inpatient, or for something with my BODY to be the issue. I want to know if I really do need to gain weight, or if I’m a failure at this. I wish I could be like a few friends who have had anorexia, and are able to post on social media about how recovery has made their lives better. I wish I was positive about it, and I wish people would believe me if I did post a photo of myself.

I’m afraid I have let myself down if I’m not thin enough, and as I really feel clueless today, I’m not sure how I should feel.

*I forgot to think of a title*

Just 4 days left on the island of Mallorca. 4 more shows, 4 more mornings of playing with the children at the resort, 4 more nights in the flat.

I’m so excited to go home, but doing each show for the last time feels really strange. The thing that’s causing me worry right now, is being heightened by people constantly asking me what I will do when I finish.

It isn’t that simple when you perform for a living. I could go to 20 auditions and not get a job, or I could go to an audition and be offered something pretty soon. Some time off is definitely going to be enjoyable, and first and foremost I need to rest a damaged foot, get some sleep, and spend time with my loved ones.

As I left work this evening, the choreographer asked me if I think I will return here next year. It feels like pressure and I can’t think that far ahead! It’s good to know I have done a good job and would be offered a future contract, but I want to see what the coming months hold before making a decision. Maybe I will be doing new shows in a place, and potentially be getting new, valuable experiences to add to my career. But, I have to take a risk, see if an opportunity arises, and decide about Mallorca in the new year.

Being a performer who has anxiety can be tough in terms of having an unstable job. Uncertainty can sometimes cause me to spiral into a little ball of stress 😂

On a nice happy note, I enjoyed my last 70/80s show tonight 💃🏻

Being different.

One thing I have never been is a party girl. I don’t drink, and I’ve only been on a nights out a handful of times. Truth be told, I don’t get the appeal.

I know most people in their early twenties love to go out drinking with their friends, but it simply isn’t for me. From ages 17-20 I often felt bad or like something was wrong with me, and a lot of that came from things people said. With saying no to a night out came judgement. Why is that? If you don’t like a leisure activity that I do, it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest.

Some of my friends like to go out, some don’t, not all of us drink, but none us mind who does what. Within my friendship group I feel confident in being myself, but with people who are newer to my life, I feel embarrassed when I say I don’t drink/ don’t want to go out. Just this evening I was being coaxed to go to a leaving drinks. This person is nice, but I’ve literally spoken to them for a total of 10 minutes I’d guess over the last 6 months!

Im not sure if these people are judging me, as I’ve only known them all a few months, so they don’t really know me.

At the end of the day, I know I shouldn’t care what they think, but part me wonders. I quite like being different in general, but I don’t like negative judgement from others (who does?)

Do you drink alcohol or not? Anybody else not a party goer?

Sunshine blogger award. ☀️

Shoutout for the nomination from Luthienthegreen

Click the link below to read another blog you might enjoy:

https://luthienthegreen.wordpress.com/2017/10/14/sunshine-blogger-award/

The rules are as follows:

-Thank and link to the person who nominated you ✔️

-Answer the 11 questions they set you ✔️

-Set 11 questions for your own nominee ✔️

1. What is your favourite animal? Blimey, that’s a tough one. I LOVE animals (we have 4 in our family home). So, as I couldn’t possibly choose between my dogs and cats, my favourite wild animals are lions. They are so majestic and composed, and I think they’re rather beautiful.

2. What was you dream job as a child? To be a dancer. Ever since I was a little girl, I was making up dances, writing my own plays, and making my parents watch me! I loved dance straight away, and now I am doing it everyday ❤️ my adult dreams are now of career progression, and the ultimate jobs I want to achieve.

3. Do you speak another language apart from English? Yes. I speak fluent Spanish.

4. What is your favourite colour? Purple.

5. Where would you like to live outside of your home country? Italy (I’ve never been but it someone I would love to go to)

6. What is your favourite historical era? I don’t have one!

7. What book or film character do you most identify with? I read more non fiction stuff, but as a child I identified with Mildred in the worst witch!

8. Do you have pets? Yes. Ah my animal babies. 2 dogs and 2 cats. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

9. Do you believe in God? No. Perhaps there is something out there, but I don’t believe in any specific God, although I went to Christian schools. The bible contradicts itself so much, and I really dislike the way people want to force their beliefs on you. If you have a faith, that’s fine by me, but I don’t and that should be accepted to you too.

10. What place would you like to go to that you’ve never been to? Italy.

11. What do you find most comforting when you’re down? My pets, blankets, my favourite programmes or YouTube videos.

I would like to nominate:

Live love run again All the other blogs I follow have already been nominated! Well, ones that are created by individuals at least.

So, here are the questions! Anybody reading who wants to answer, feel free to do a sunshine blogger post too! Tag me so I can read 🙂

1. Are you a morning person or a night owl?

2. What’s something you like about yourself?

3. What was your favourite subject at school?

4. Do you have a favourite quote or motivational meme/picture etc?

5. What is your favourite season of the year?

6. If you got given £500 what would you do with it?

7. Favourite colour?

8. Do you have siblings?

9. Where did you meet your closest friends?

10. Favourite drink?

11. Favourite board game?

Xox

Liebster award.

Thank you to A Spoonful of Evie for nominating me. It’s always really heartwarming to think that what I post about has an impact on others, especially when mental health struggles can feel lonely at times.

Here are my answers to her questions:

1. If you won the lottery, what would be the first thing you would buy? Aside from giving money to the close people in my life, I think the first thing I would buy for myself would be my own home and a pet. Family pets are a huge love in my life and it’s a future vision of mine to enjoy my own animals in my own space.

2. Do you have a favourite book? Although there are plenty of books I love, Eat Pray Love really is one of my top ones 💜

3. Why did you start a blog and what have you learned since then? I began my blog 6 years ago. At that time, I was having daily panic attacks that my parents didn’t know about, and at some point in that first year I lost a very special person in my life.

I really started it because I wanted to say how I felt with no filter, and no risk of real life friends and family finding out. Since then, I’ve learned that there’s a community of support that I knew nothing about! Catching up on my favourite bloggers and offering words of care and advice helps me focus more positively sometimes.

4. If you could only invite one dinner guest, who would it be? Tricky… probably one of two close friends. Let’s call them Anna and Chloe (for privacy sake!), because these are people who I can eat in front of without worry.

5. Name 5 things you want to achieve or experience in the next 5 years. <<<
form in one of my favourite shows, have a long term relationship, have my own pet, have a musical theatre agent, see Italy

6. Do you believe in fate? <<<
believe everything happens for a reason, but I believe most things are results of consequences of other things rather than total luck/fate.

7. If your life was written as a book, what would the blurb look life? <<<
efully a colourful book cover with cute drawings around the blurb.

8. Name something you like about yourself and something you’re good at<<<
ke my hair, and I'm good at supporting my friends

9. Go to dessert? I used to love the pizza express dough balls with Nutella (don’t know if this still exists. It was a very long time

Ago)

10. What would you put in your own first aid/self care kit?<<<
ouring book and my favourite pens, my iPad, my stuffed rabbit, nail varnish, face masks

11. Name someone who inspires you and why. <<<
d question, because I'm inspired by a lot of people. Currently, I'm very inspired by YouTuber/actress/author Lilly Singh, because she has built success and happiness for herself through hard work and patience, while staying humble and kind. She inspires me to have dreams and make plans to achieve them.

So, I'm nominating……

-Lexy Dragonfly

-Every Mile Matters

-Live Love Run Again

And some questions for you:

1. What's the best place you've seen in the world and why?

2. What's your happiest childhood memory?

3. Describe yourself in 3 words.

4. Describe your ideal self care day.

5. Where did the name for your blog come from?

Being grateful.

Right now I’m sat here with only one week of my contract left. It’s strange to think that after 6 months performing my shows and being in the routine of which day duties are which days, that I’m only doing everything ONE MORE TIME.

Part of me is hugely excited to be back in the UK. I can’t wait to see all my favourite people, cuddle my pets, and relax a little bit. However, being a performer means uncertainty is unavoidable. While I have auditions and plans coming up, I don’t know when or where my next job will be. Fortunately I can earn some money at home through an old part time job I can get back into, so finances aren’t a concern, but mental health wise, change and the unknown is hard. Emotionally is where the fear lies.

I want to take a second to be grateful for what I’ve had, before I get panicky over the future that I can’t control. Anxiety makes being present a challenge at times. I’m often overthinking past events, or overanalysing all the possibilities for the future. Worry doesn’t solve anything, but that doesn’t make it go away. Anyone else a major over thinker?

Right now my focus is on the nice things that await me at home, and the goal to fully embrace the last 5 shows.

Happy weekend xoxo

Countdowns 📅

As a child, my countdown to Christmas was much longer than the advent period. Christmas, along with the visits of 2 of my favourite family members were events that I would countdown to with diligence. Having exciting things on the horizon can have three effects:

1. Makes me feel positive and excited

2. Makes the time until the event go slowly

3. Makes me wish away time and not enjoy the present

Right now, I’m one week from the end of my 6 month contract. Naturally, my mind is already sending the “let’s wind down” signals, and I’m fantasising about my own bed. As I’m surprising my mum by coming home earlier than expected, I can’t wait to see her face and finally be able to stop telling her lies to keep the secret 😂

I don’t want my counting down to mean I wish away the time, rather than making the most of the good bits. I also know that going home means I’m back in a period of uncertainty, as I will be waiting for my next job.

My plan is to go exploring in the capital on my next day off, maybe get some more bits of the show filmed, and do my best to limit my focus on the number of days to the evening. That way, I can do my day as normal, and then think about how few sleeps are left until I leave when the day is done.

Ps. I still love Christmas. It isn’t that far away you know 😉