Most of the time, I would say I’m confused about what my true appearance is. Everyday is like looking at myself in a house of mirrors, as the reflection varies so much.
Today, it seems we’ve hit rush hour at body confusion central, and I’m frankly overwhelmed with what’s happening in my head. Somebody photographed me cuddling my dog today, and I think I look kinda thin in the picture, but most of today I’ve been seeing my reflection in glass, mirrors and car doors, as a constant reminder that my anorexia must be a lie. Now I’m torn between what the truth is and what I want to do.
Part of me wants to get more muscular and stop being afraid. I know I will be a better performer if I’m stronger and more energised. On the flip side, I want to waste away. I want to be in hospital, or inpatient, or for something with my BODY to be the issue. I want to know if I really do need to gain weight, or if I’m a failure at this. I wish I could be like a few friends who have had anorexia, and are able to post on social media about how recovery has made their lives better. I wish I was positive about it, and I wish people would believe me if I did post a photo of myself.
I’m afraid I have let myself down if I’m not thin enough, and as I really feel clueless today, I’m not sure how I should feel.