Body confusion central.

Most of the time, I would say I’m confused about what my true appearance is. Everyday is like looking at myself in a house of mirrors, as the reflection varies so much.

Today, it seems we’ve hit rush hour at body confusion central, and I’m frankly overwhelmed with what’s happening in my head. Somebody photographed me cuddling my dog today, and I think I look kinda thin in the picture, but most of today I’ve been seeing my reflection in glass, mirrors and car doors, as a constant reminder that my anorexia must be a lie. Now I’m torn between what the truth is and what I want to do.

Part of me wants to get more muscular and stop being afraid. I know I will be a better performer if I’m stronger and more energised. On the flip side, I want to waste away. I want to be in hospital, or inpatient, or for something with my BODY to be the issue. I want to know if I really do need to gain weight, or if I’m a failure at this. I wish I could be like a few friends who have had anorexia, and are able to post on social media about how recovery has made their lives better. I wish I was positive about it, and I wish people would believe me if I did post a photo of myself.

I’m afraid I have let myself down if I’m not thin enough, and as I really feel clueless today, I’m not sure how I should feel.

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17 thoughts on “Body confusion central.

  1. you are letting ana down not yourself and she is messing with your vision so you do not see correctly in the mirror – ana is a real demon – it sounds insane yet it is true – in your case the ana demon has tricked you into thinking it is part of you – you have internalised it and cannot separate it from you
    I am sure your response to my take on AN is to think me a nutcase but I feel it is my duty to point all this out to you because no one else will and your confusion and frustration will just continue

  2. I can totally understand what you mean ( @anadancer ) I feel the same and haven’t worked it out yet either. I feel like I don’t really have AN and I’m just fat only I sort of know it’s not true but I don’t want to regain weight but I do. You see I am also very confused. Let’s be confused together until we are over this. I would never post a recovered picture either though I’m trying to get used to posting photos at all. I try to hide body shape as much as possible. xx

    • I try and hide too. People saying I’m thin at the moment, but doubt people would actually agree with that if they saw a picture. 🙈 sometimes I think I look smaller with slightly more fitted clothing, but then most of the time I worry it is showing how big I am and end up wearing a big jumper over everything xx

      • Yep, I have that problem. Some days I feel like I’ve put on tonnes..but the day before I freaked that I’d lost masses. I don’t want my body to stop working completely… how is your therapy going?

      • We reached a sticky point, where she said she wanted more people on board. She said if I could afford to go to inpatient, then ideal to have a team, but that’s definitely not possible (plus I think I’m too big. NHS wise there isn’t an inpatient where I live, so you have to be on deaths door to be taken in somewhere else). In the process of trying to get another professional with different skills on board as well, but takes time to find somebody and get sorted. Should have had a Skype appt today, but she had to reschedule so hopefully have therapy at the end of this week instead. How about you? X

      • I know what you mean. The nhs certainly wouldn’t give me a place even when I was dangerously suicidal and hadn’t eaten for days. my parents took me to hospital. The psychiatric hospital said go to A and E, but I wasn’t going to sit there all night like last time just for them to say they can’t do anything. We got through it somehow. I think that from what I’ve hear, the inpatient units just feed you up by force, then let you go and the whole thing starts over…. so I’m trying not to end up there. I used to be so desperate for help I wanted to be hospitalised but then I heard what a nightmare those places are… maybe you could try to hold your weight somehow? That’s what I’m trying to do (ish).what therapy are you having? xx

      • Yes, sadly the NHS just doesn’t have the money to give people the help they actually need. I’ve gone to a and e before because of suicidality and spent one night there and then sent home. I’m sure they would do more if they could. It must be hard to be a nurse or a doctor and constantly have to turn people away!
        I’m waiting to start CBT, and at the moment I’m having therapy with a dietitian who specialises in doing talk therapy for eating disorders xx

      • Yep, the A and E experience…. done that. 😣 What therapy have you had before? Is the dietician good? For me, having a break from the nhs has been a good thing but then I was refed a while back so I had some way to fall…I guess I’m hoping to work through things starting with the depression and self esteem issues, then stabilising my weight and then we’ll see. It’s just a theory atm though. I found the constant nhs weighing made me want to lose weight faster… I do hope you get the CBT soon and it works xx

      • NHS weighing me all the time was awful for me as well. I had group therapy, one to one with ED nurse, and CBT for OCD through the NHS all at various times. I never had CBT for my ED though. The group and the nurse had some of the principles, but it wasn’t specific if you get me.
        Yeah me too, just gotta see what happens and try to find somebody in my area who can do it without charging a fortune. My dietitian is AMAZING. She understands anorexia more than any professional I’ve ever met. She’s helping me find the CBT therapist and wants to work as a team with them xx

      • Thats great. I hope you find someone. Sadly many do charge a fortune but I always wonder whether their motive is really helping people if they charge £180 a session and chuck you out on the dot.. I do hope you find CBT useful and I think it’s important to find someone who isn’t even more obsessed about weight than you (I got a therapist who would congratulate me on putting on 100g and freak if I lost 200g). Stay strong xxx

      • That therapist sounds a bit ott about it! I hope so too. I think there’s potential, but my dietitian/therapist right now doesn’t want me to see anybody until we are sure they will be able to handle my case xx

      • Me too but I know I would only be made to put on weight again probably more than I have now so in a way losing much more would be counterproductive. I’m trying to convince myself. 😔

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