It’s been unusually long since I last wrote a post. My brain has been full to the brim, while I’ve had to make some decisions over my immediate future.
Right now, I’m not auditioning for my next job. I’m not in a healthy place (not that I was previously, to be honest), and the cumulative effect of my ED on my physical and mental well-being has left me unable to do myself justice.
A professional told me to look into group meetings- ABA and EDA namely. If you’re unaware, these are essentially the Eating Disorder versión of Alcoholics Anonymous. So far I’ve done two meetings, and the people seem really kind and motivated.
If you have opinions or experience of recovery incorporating a 12 step program, PLEASE SHARE!!
I want to be thinner, but I rarely wear clothing that’s fitted, so where’s the sense in that? I want to eat “bad” foods when I’m thin enough, but weight loss only makes me want to hold onto control, to not let go of what I’ve achieved. I want to be successful, and I’m scared I’d fail if I lost my disorder, but it makes me less productive and less likely to succeed in the first place. I want to be “good enough” at anorexia but I often what my problems to be secret. I want my eating disorder, but I also want to just be myself.
As usual, I’ve had the desire to write but not enough to say/motivation to do it umpteen times. At last, I’m actually posting.
The past year has shown me that I am very adaptable. I’ve moved countries twice, and returned in the middle to a new family home in a new city (that I’d never seen). Those kind of big changes are always going to have some challenges, but I was able to ride out the initial discomfort and prove to myself I could do it. Patience with myself isn’t something I find easy. In fact, I’m one of the least patient people I know.
The problem with having a problem with patience, is that in life we are always waiting for something. Be it a job, a partner, Christmas, or the arrival of a parcel, it could be easy to constantly feel impatient about something.
My current feeling of discomfort and lack of patience is tangible. I’m awaiting to hear back from an audition, while also waiting to hear back from my therapist about whether I need more intensive treatment. A great combination, huh? I don’t know yet how I feel. My tiredness from my last contract plus years of ED tiredness means a next job seems daunting. Am I in a place right now where I can do it? Would a rejection be a blessing in disguise? Deep down do I want more intensive treatment? You don’t know? Me either 😂
My point is, I can mull it over a thousand times, but until I’m presented with all the choices it’s just my impatience and anxiety wasting my energy. I need to make a promise to myself to enjoy being at home, adapting back to family life, and do proactive things (however small).
After a conversation with my dietitian, I’ve agreed to stick to a particular plan tomorrow. Nothing about the plan is unsafe in my mind. It’s food that’s acceptable to anorexia, it’s a total calorie count that’s in my comfort zone, and it’s all things I can have at home.
Why do I have so many thoughts about then?
I’m a black and white thinker. It’s a fully committed attempt at recovery, or staying ill. My ED seems to feel that agreeing to eating to this plan, and at regular intervals for 24 hours poses a threat to it. Even dipping my little toes into the water of doing something good for me has got me worrying and thinking endlessly about what I really want.
What I want isn’t actually possible, and I know I ought to give up on the ideal of having the bits of anorexia I want, coupled with the things I hope for my recovered future. Truth is, I’m scared of giving it up.