Dip your toes in.

After a conversation with my dietitian, I’ve agreed to stick to a particular plan tomorrow. Nothing about the plan is unsafe in my mind. It’s food that’s acceptable to anorexia, it’s a total calorie count that’s in my comfort zone, and it’s all things I can have at home.

Why do I have so many thoughts about then?

I’m a black and white thinker. It’s a fully committed attempt at recovery, or staying ill. My ED seems to feel that agreeing to eating to this plan, and at regular intervals for 24 hours poses a threat to it. Even dipping my little toes into the water of doing something good for me has got me worrying and thinking endlessly about what I really want.

What I want isn’t actually possible, and I know I ought to give up on the ideal of having the bits of anorexia I want, coupled with the things I hope for my recovered future. Truth is, I’m scared of giving it up.

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4 thoughts on “Dip your toes in.

      • It’s very scary for sure. It’s new and unfamiliar. Maybe accepting how scary it is might help? I remember when someone validated that all I have to deal with truly is a heavy burden, I felt a huge relief. It wasn’t all in my mind. Being scared about recovery, being in recovery, everything about recovery is completely valid.

        I keep plodding slog despite the fear. I don’t know when it happened but at some point I gave myself permission to feel the fear with having to fix it. That helped.

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