After a conversation with my dietitian, I’ve agreed to stick to a particular plan tomorrow. Nothing about the plan is unsafe in my mind. It’s food that’s acceptable to anorexia, it’s a total calorie count that’s in my comfort zone, and it’s all things I can have at home.
Why do I have so many thoughts about then?
I’m a black and white thinker. It’s a fully committed attempt at recovery, or staying ill. My ED seems to feel that agreeing to eating to this plan, and at regular intervals for 24 hours poses a threat to it. Even dipping my little toes into the water of doing something good for me has got me worrying and thinking endlessly about what I really want.
What I want isn’t actually possible, and I know I ought to give up on the ideal of having the bits of anorexia I want, coupled with the things I hope for my recovered future. Truth is, I’m scared of giving it up.