I want to be thinner, but I rarely wear clothing that’s fitted, so where’s the sense in that? I want to eat “bad” foods when I’m thin enough, but weight loss only makes me want to hold onto control, to not let go of what I’ve achieved. I want to be successful, and I’m scared I’d fail if I lost my disorder, but it makes me less productive and less likely to succeed in the first place. I want to be “good enough” at anorexia but I often what my problems to be secret. I want my eating disorder, but I also want to just be myself.