New year doesnโ€™t equal a new me.

The phrase New Year, New Me implies that the ring of midnight magically transforms us via some kind of witchcraft. In my view, the equation is more like:

New Year + Self awareness + Hard work = New Me.

It isn’t so catchy, is it? In the past, I have thought about the year gone by/ my hopes for the coming one, but never made firm resolutions. (I do however like to make a mini bucket list for the year, such as shows I want to watch, or a place I’m keen to visit)

This year I want to hold myself more accountable and make goals. Perhaps I’ve been scared of failing at my resolutions, and so held back from making any in past years. I’m open to the idea that what I want could change in the course of the next 12 months, and that’s okay. For now though, here are my first proper resolutions:

  • Pass my driving test
  • Take therapy as it comes, and know that recovery is possible if I decide that’s what I want to fully commit to
  • (Hopefully) become strong at aerial (if I like it after my first session next week!)
  • Utilise the online 12 step meetings for eating disorders. Keep going even if I feel unsure about my own desire right now
  • Do little things for myself more often- paint my nails more, do face masks, watch a favourite film…
  • Do my best. Don’t let the possibility of failing stop me from trying all of these things.

Good wishes for the last day of 2017, and a happy new year when it arrives for you

Xox

Groups and recovery.

This week I have attended 3 support groups (one for the first time!) and my first 12 step meeting in person. It was a very spontaneous plan, as a friend invited me to something I wouldn’t have gone to on my own. (I say it was my first, when I technically went to ABA once irl but I turned up and it was one, elderly man, and so I’m not sure it counted to be honest ๐Ÿ˜‚)

Anyway, I’m glad I went. I was fortunate to be present for a very inspiring talk by a woman who has clearly reaped the rewards of committing to recovery. She was funny, insightful, and truthful. I felt privileged that she was my first experience, as I related to things she said, and I liked how she was able to find humour in things that have brought great darkness into her life in the past.

To see my friend be confident and honest in this setting also felt quite special. It was a pleasure to be welcomed into something that is now a big part of her life.

It also made me reflect on myself and on the last year or so. While I have learned lessons as a person and a professional in that time, I feel I have gained knowledge but not action in terms of my mental health. I am absolutely more self aware than I was at the beginning of my issues, and I am absolutely able to recognise some of the patterns and main things I find challenging, but fear has held me back from making consistent change. The fear of what is under the surface and of whether I am able to handle it is a very powerful force. But I see that people are doing it everyday.

I have goals for 2018 like passing my driving test (look out world), but my greatest commitment (and the reason I’m even at home right now) has to be ME. My emotional and physical health has to be a priority of mine. I am grateful that I have a loving family and friends who will always support me, but they can’t do it on my behalf.

Christmas, food, and films

Although I’m not religious, I have always loved Christmas. Since a young age, it has been one of the few family days in the year. There’s a decade between my age and my brothers, so as a child I looked forward to having Christmas Day with them. I also love choosing gifts for people, and enjoy receiving things people have chosen for me. Getting the decorations up if my favourite bit of the preparations, too.

The worst bit however, is the anxiety about every detail. I detest that food is such a big part of the day for everybody else, while for me it’s a big source of worry instead. Trying to work out exactly what food will be safe and what time I can eat gets so overwhelming. I’ve finally made my decisions about this years meal. Outside of the roast dinner, I’m having my own, normal food, and I will be eating it in my room where nobody can comment. I don’t want to feel sad or stressed by it; I just want to get to the end of the day and know I’ve eaten an amount that my ed considers safe. In that respect, it needs to be just like any other day.

Tomorrow will be the last chance I have to go to the gym, and that makes me feel pressured for me to do enough… if anyone knows wtf would qualify as enough for my stupid brain, I’m all ears ๐Ÿ˜‚

Anyway, I’m going to write down everything exactly as it is going to be food-wise for 25/26th so I can get it out of my mind and know it is planned and okay. Another essential tomorrow will be a Christmas film (already watched Elf, Nativity, Nativity 2, and a bit of Love Actually) I cant get enough! Outside of the festive and romantic comedy genres, I have almost no film knowledge. I like to think I make up for it in these 2 areas ๐Ÿ˜‚

Hope everyone has a relaxing and positive weekend xxx

Lonely nights & what ifs.

For some reason that I’m unsure of, tonight feels lonely. I’m not alone, but I feel that way with all the thoughts in my mind.

My routine is becoming more organised. I now have certain dance classes and support groups I attend. Lists, as always, are my friend. I write down my weekly plans, as well as silly to do’s and enjoy crossing them off.

Aside from food thoughts tonight, my brain is circling on unanswerable questions.

If I get the benefit, how much will it be?

If I don’t get it, when and where could I realistically work (health and time wise) as a temporary measure in order to pay for the classes etc that I need to keep doing so I’m still working towards getting another job in the industry?

Am I doing the right thing by signing up to try something new in January? What if my strength lets me down?

What if I don’t get better?

What if I fail? At getting better, in my career, in life?

Does anyone have any answers? People at the back? Anyone?! No… well, just me on my own then. Seriously speaking, I know I can’t answer these questions right now. Nobody can! I’d just like to know what’s coming and whether I can handle it, but life just isn’t like that.

Headspace

Although the weekend and the weekdays don’t always take their traditional form in my life, a Sunday evening always feels like a good moment to sit down and plan the week ahead. For me, feeling like I have points to look forward to improves how I feel. However, I do like to be productive, and sometimes that can mean I berate myself for lying on the sofa all afternoon when perhaps that’s what I needed!

In general, my restriction and ED thoughts are pretty bad, and suddenly having time at home to have to deal with it has made me react out of fear I think. The only thing I feel I have to protect me from the scary idea of taking my time at home to recover is IT. Well, how ironic is that?

Although I’m not making good choices about everything, I’ve decided I want to give the Headspace app more of my time this week. I’ve used it quite a bit, but rarely with much consistency (although when I do open it up, I’m always glad I have!) Short, guided meditations aren’t too overwhelming, as I don’t feel pressure to commit a huge chunk of time or to expect a certain outcome. Sometimes it’s just nice to breathe, and for whatever comes into my head to be okay. I’m a terror for judging my thoughts.

I hope the coming week has something good in it for everyone. Xoxo

Midnight musings (a poem)

I’d love to be calm, and I’d love to be free, I’d love to feel energy come out of me.

Instead I feel scared, and more tired by the day, Nobody can fix me, no matter what they say.

I want life to be busy, to feel fulfilled, But what if I recover and am not good enough, still?

To prove people wrong, get better, and dance, I must take a deep breath and give myself a chance.

I’d love to skip the hard parts and know how it works out, But instead I’m lying, lonely- just me and my doubt.

***

Literally never written a poem in my life, but midnight is apparently a time I decide to write this!