Lonely nights & what ifs.

For some reason that I’m unsure of, tonight feels lonely. I’m not alone, but I feel that way with all the thoughts in my mind.

My routine is becoming more organised. I now have certain dance classes and support groups I attend. Lists, as always, are my friend. I write down my weekly plans, as well as silly to do’s and enjoy crossing them off.

Aside from food thoughts tonight, my brain is circling on unanswerable questions.

If I get the benefit, how much will it be?

If I don’t get it, when and where could I realistically work (health and time wise) as a temporary measure in order to pay for the classes etc that I need to keep doing so I’m still working towards getting another job in the industry?

Am I doing the right thing by signing up to try something new in January? What if my strength lets me down?

What if I don’t get better?

What if I fail? At getting better, in my career, in life?

Does anyone have any answers? People at the back? Anyone?! No… well, just me on my own then. Seriously speaking, I know I can’t answer these questions right now. Nobody can! I’d just like to know what’s coming and whether I can handle it, but life just isn’t like that.

8 thoughts on “Lonely nights & what ifs.

  1. I used to constantly “what-if” myself. Eventually I was able to recognize it and learn to stop myself before I started. One thing that helped was looking back in review. For example: during my last treatment program I nearly what-if’ed myself to death with whether I’d be able to go back to iOP. Everyone kept saying I’d be fine. However, I needed to know for sure. What if insurance wouldn’t cover it again? What if they decided that since I just came out of another program, that I wasn’t worth the cost? What if I couldn’t go? what if I lost all my support? What if I couldn’t hold on to recovery, what if I failed? I would die…… anyway, you get the picture. What I didn’t know was that it was covered under a different clinic so insurance wasn’t even an issue. No one worried because there was no worry. I assumed disaster based on previous experiences and assumptions based on my own low self-worth. I didn’t think I’d get covered to even go to the program but I did. All that what-if’ing was for not. The truth is that when I came out of the program I was a different person than when I went in. Looking back over the course of the last year, I could never have foreseen anything that happened to me so my what-ifs weren’t even applicable. I still have a strong tendency to what-if but I’m able to recognize it and rebut it. A big one that hampers me is “what if there’s a blizzard and I can’t see my nutritionist, or therapist, or go to iOP?” Or, “what if I’m at iOP and there’s a blizzard and I can’t get home?” Well, if I can’t go then I’ll get more crochet done and catch up on movies. When my therapists son died and left for a couple of months I survived. I also carry a travel bag so if I get stuck at iOP, I’d stay at a hotel and spend hours in the bathtub! I don’t have one where I live.

    Anyway, I hope I’ve made sense. I wish I could help you with your questions. I realize I’ve given you no assurances. Maybe I said something that is helpful? I will go deal with my own what-iffing that happens after I comment: “What if I said something horrible, she thinks I’m an unfeeling asshole and blocks me.” Yeah, I deal with that thought a lot, lol.

    • Thanks so much for this comment! I completely relate to all your previous worries- it’s so easy to get trapped in the never ending if! I’ve really considered what you said about how time passes and some of the what ifs stop even being relevant. For me, I think I don’t trust in my ability to handle anything difficult. Just like you, I assume I will fall apart, even though I have coped with various unexpected circumstances!
      You are not unfeeling at all. I really appreciate your thoughts & next time I’m in the cycle, I will consider that maybe my what ifs won’t be applicable as the future unfolds! Xx

      • Actually, your post, then my comment, was a great reminder for myself so it really helped me. It’s easy for me to forget all these great things that help. Sometimes there seems to be too many “great things” lol.

        At iOP today we did a worksheet to sort out some basic thoughts before going in to the holiday. One was to list tools/skills. For a change, I decided to use only one tool since my track record is when I take a bunch, I don’t do any of them. So this time the tool I’m taking is “being able to walk away”. When I get too stressed? I’ll go outside for a few minutes. Screaming newborn (friends daughter just has one), I’ll go to another room. Food too overwhelming? I’ll excuse myself to the bathroom where I can do some deep breathing to calm down. So hopefully taking one tool I can use rather than a handful that I won’t, will make a difference. It’s helping with the “what if I can’t remember what to do” fear too. One thing is easy to remember. 😁

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