Therapy sometimes makes you feel worse.

I can count my positive experiences with therapists on one hand (for anonymity I will use initials!): N, S, D and group therapy psychologists whose name escapes me… 🤔

The therapy I have received over the years hasn’t all been focused on my eating disorder. My OCD therapy was by far the most effective, though I also had a great course of group therapy for eating disorders, but sadly it only lasted 12 weeks. It simply wasn’t enough.

After a short wait I met a new therapist today. Strangely I feel a little emotional despite feeling I clicked with her! The word therapy can make me feel that I ought to feel good afterwards, but talking about difficult things is aimed at a long term solution, not short term happiness. Considering I am quite all or nothing in my thinking, this is probably another way for my eating disorder to make me feel like I’m inadequate: not good enough at being ill/ can’t even do therapy right.

We discussed that giving up an eating disorder isn’t an overnight situation, and that first of all we will need to build up my healthy self and get better at emotion regulation. I totally see the benefit of that, and I wish strength on myself to commit to it fully.

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