Having an eating disorder has made me feel like my body and its size are absolutely integral to who I am and what I am worth. I feel as though recovery means changing my body (and if it doesn’t, then I’m clearly no good at my disorder!), and I feel mixed.
Part of me wants people to notice I’m sick, and to notice a change, but another part wants my body to change very little and for nobody to say a word.
Maybe a recovered body would be more muscular, more strong and energetic, rather than becoming a bit chubby like I’m afraid of? It’s hard to know how to feel when I don’t actually know if others thing I should gain a bit of weight. I feel too scared to increase my intake because of lack of certainty over my current size.
In other news, the sunny spell here in the U.K. is blissful. It makes me want to wake up and be productive, which I love. Any words of advice would be welcome.
Lots of love xx