Day 29: mood rollercoaster.Β 

I woke up tired and irritable. A small comment from a colleague made me really defensive and rubbed me up the wrong way before the day had even started. I tried to let it go, and remember that a normal person wouldn’t even be thinking about something so silly. Today was also the last day for some of the best guests. A lovely, lovely couple, and a beautiful, funny 3 year old who got really attached to me. I was genuinely tearful saying goodbye, but I’m thankful for having met them and made memories with them. 

During the afternoon, I had a few hours off and achieved lots of things of my list. BUT I ate something that made me feel unsafe, but solved it by restricting later. Now I feel calm about it because I’m even. My workout at the gym was really good. I did a bit more than I’d planned,  and it was followed by tonight’s show. πŸ’ͺπŸ»πŸ’ƒπŸ»

From being tired, sad, grateful, tired again, pleased with myself, happy, anxious/angry, motivated and down, I feel like I’ve had all the feelings today! Everyday always features times of feeling down and thinking into whether I’m sick/not sick/sick enough/thin, fat, etc, but to me that’s normal. Those parts of my mood changes don’t shock me, but the rapid change of emotions can be difficult. 

Blabbing over. 


1. Started a list for England to do’s

2. Did well at the gym 

3. Called my friend as planned 

4. Had a sing in preparation for an audition at the end of the month 

5. Had a good think about the perfectionism book (I’m deffo stuck on the next bit)

Tomorrow I want:

  • Do something I enjoy in my afternoon gap

Day 20. Criticism from others.Β 

I’m so glad I had today off. The lie in I had was very much needed! Anyone else feel like their bed is one of the best places ever? πŸ˜‚ 

Today I encountered some unexpected feedback from somebody and I’ve been fighting feeling negative about myself over it. For context, my second language is Spanish. I’m NOT perfect, but my whole professional life here is in Spanish, and I’m the only one for whom it isn’t my native language. My knowledge of Spanish is actually a skill that I’m quite proud of (one of few things I think I do quite well). So when I trotted in to see if a parcel had arrived and a cleaner took the mick of how I’d said something, I was offended. It made me think I’m not good enough, that the mistake was silly because I normally wouldn’t make a basic error. It made me think that I’m not fluent because I stumbled over my words today. Does her opinion matter? No. Can she speak two languages? No. Can I? Yes. Does getting tongue tied mean anything about me? Not really, but it feels like it. 

Proof I really do know Spanish:

  • Sometimes I have dreams in Spanish 
  • I often don’t really think before I speak. It comes out, just as I would in English 
  • People have told me more than 10 times since I arrived here that I speak really well, that they thought I was Spanish etc etc

These little things are times I’m realising how much of a perfectionist I am. Most people wouldn’t care over something so trivial, but my brain hates that I didn’t do it perfectly. 

Time for #5adayprogress:

1. Sent emails 

2. Spoke to my Auntie and one of my best friends 

3. Cleaned the sink

4. Booked my transfer to go and see my family soon ⭐️

5. Had a bath 

Tomorrow I want to:

  • Do my laundry
  • Plan my workout for Monday 
  • Video call my Mum 


Day 11 (+many mosquito bites)

If I disappear, it’s because I’ve turned into a giant mosquito bite. They seem to love me a lot more than I like them….


1. Sent those emails πŸ’ͺ🏻

2. Sorted out my contact lenses 

3. Went to the gym and managed to do an ok workout (although it’s been 2 days and I miss doing my tricks and super bendy stretches cos of stupid bloody leg pain)

4. Looked at the next task in the perfectionism book 

5. Showered 

And now for tomorrow…

  • Plan my short solo section for the last song 
  • Make a plan for my day off 

Day 10.Β 


1. Sitting out on the balcony with the girls, where I’d usually stay alone in my room 

2. Feeling good about my ab workout 

3. Ordering some shorts (I’m so particular about things that this is an achievement.) making decisions is hard

4. Managing without a propranolol even though I felt anxious earlier 

5. Coping with unexpected costumes 

Tomorrow I will try:

  • Email the two places saved on my phone (should have done it today but it’s s long story why i couldn’t!)
  • Phone up about my contact lenses 

What are you going to achieve tomorrow?


Day 9.

I hope everybody’s week is going well so far. I’d love to hear- share in the comments if you want to ☺️


1. I ordered that gift I needed to get done 

2. I looked at where I can go to get massages- well, I started investigating, but that’s better than nothing!

*im definitely struggling to think of more…..*

3. I did a gentle stretch when I got home and tried to be calm, even though the pain is now in both my legs (hopefully it will be ok tomorrow πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»)

4. Washed my hair

5. Organised my room a bit

And now for tomorrow:

  • Email the two places I’ve got tabs open for on my phone (mainly so I can close the tabs πŸ˜‚)
  • Think of sensible things that will be kind to my sore legs to do in the improv section of one of the dances 

Day 8.Β 

I feel tired tonight, so no blabbing about life today, just straight to the good bits! #5adayprogress

1. I ate more veg with my dinner, as I wanted to

2. I did the workout I’d planned 

3. Doing relaxing and productive things during my free afternoon

4. Logging my food in recovery record even though I’m tired 

5. Went food shopping 

And now to think to tomorrow:

  • Look into somewhere I can get treatment on my leg (pain due to scar tissue from old injury #dancerlife)
  • Order that present that I have put off doing for 2 days 

Hope you all had a good day xoxox

Day 7.

I’ve had waves of difficult thoughts and feelings today, but no real idea why. I’ve decided to add something I want to improve on each day to my posts. 


1. Starting plans for a spring trip to America with a friend

2. Looking into potential jobs for Christmas and finding a few different theatre companies to bookmark

3. Finishing my washing 

4. Phoning Dad as it’s Father’s Day in the UK

5. Washing my hair 
Tomorrow I want to…

  • Eat a larger portion of vegetables 
  • Make the most of my afternoon 
  • Get through my planned workout 

Day 6.

Happy weekend! I had the day off today, so I spent some time enjoying the sun and doing things as and when I felt like it. Tomorrow at work is a less intense day, which feels like a good way to break myself in to the week! 

My biggest concern right now is calorie intake. Let’s elaborate: there’s an amount that I ate several years ago, and while doing so I maintained a low weight. I don’t want to trigger anybody with numbers, but I will say that this figure is actually not that low. There are people on diets who eat less! However, as I’m not eating quite that amount at present, I’m afraid that I’d get bigger if I did, even though in theory any amount of restriction should amount to weight loss. While my therapist is away, i want to work hard on the perfectionism stuff we are doing, but I also want to be “thin enough” when she comes back too. It feels like I could warrant fully engaging in dietary changes then. I am already trying to stick to the structure of eating regularly, though equally trying to hold on to controlling the amount. 

Time for #5adayprogress!

1. Bothering to post even though it’s hard for me to see a day off as a time when I would succeed or achieve with anything!

2. Buying a facial wash and taking 5 minutes to do it

3. Trying to drink lots of water in this heat 

4. Doing 10 minutes on the cross trainer 

5. Having a shower 

Day 4.

Hey everyone! Today was a busy day. I was challenged by having to watch videos from rehearsals this morning, which makes my body comparison game all the more confusing. After rehearsal I had my usual day, but it was 30 degrees which made it seem harder πŸ˜‚. I had a show tonight, which I preceded with a gym session (and my box of protein bars arrived today. BUZZINGGGGG). I’m always critical about some part of the show, but that’s normal for me. I want to better every time. 

Time for #5adayprogress:

1. Trying a workout I saw online and  doing all 5 rounds 

2. Eating my dinner even though I kept thinking I didn’t feel like it 

3. Drinking more water 

4. Dragging myself to breakfast despite really wanting to hit the snooze button a few more times 

5. Completing this post for 3 days in a row