The waiting isn’t over.

If I were to give anybody one piece of advice about applying to performing arts colleges, it would be this:

expect to wait forever until you know where you are going to go.

It is scary, There is so much competition, so little funding, and so much waiting. You apply, you wait for an audition, you audition, you wait for a reply, you wait for all your replies, you look for funding, you wait some more, and then eventually the wait is over.

Sadly, I’m not there just yet.

I have done all my auditions except one now and have 2 offers so far. So, I’m either staying where I’m currently doing a foundation year or going to the college I’ve yet to audition at. If it’s the latter, then I can get a student loan and it’s happy days. If I’m staying here then I can’t get one… (hello writing funding letters to charities and scholarship schemes..)

It’s confusing, because I want to be over the moon about the option of staying here, but that isn’t certain yet. I know I am going to continue my training which is obviously the most important thing, but not knowing where is pretty unsettling. Months of uncertainty has been stressful and so the day I know which college I’m going to can’t come soon enough!!

That’s that little vent over.

Everything else has been trudging along as normal. My ed is no more or less strong than it always has been, I still have regular moments of intense emotion (be it anger, desperation, panic) as a result of ed stress, and I still have panic attacks. As it isn’t any different to what is “normal” for me I don’t resent it at the moment. It is what it is.

I’m starting to realise that nothing else in my life can make me happy in a way that will make me problems disappear. They are deeply ingrained thoughts and behviours and so the only thing that will change them is outside help and an inner commitment to do so. I haven’t made that commitment to myself yet. I am always learning more about myself and making different decision as a result, but those decisions are a balance of good and bad so I end up in a similar state of mind all the time. One day I imagine myself being recovered, but I believe I will make that decision when I am supposed to which apparently isn’t right now.

I am on my way (in a very slow and roundabout fashion) and that is good enough for me. Doing some good things is better than doing no good things at all.