Calculations & recovery

Yesterday I was listening to an episode of The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast, where one of my favourite youtubes, Kati Morton, came on to speak about eating disorder, trauma, and mood disorders. (If you like podcasts and want to to listen, it’s free to download on the podcast app on iPhones πŸ‘ŒπŸ»)

There was one statement Kati made that just flicked on a lightbulb in my brain:

Eating disorders are all about calculations…. Purging doesn’t have to be vomiting. Anything you do to minus things in your calculations is a purge.

My own mind is driven on calculation. It isn’t as easy as counting calories; does a food feel safe? Does it smell a way that makes me feel ill? How much protein to cards does it have? Have I already had enough sugar today? This list is endless
I spend hours everyday making decisions about food. Have I done enough to warrant eating? Is usually where it starts. 
It comes as a constant surprise to me that I some really wonderful friends, because let’s face it, whatever we are doing I’m probably still hearing the voice in my head chattering on. I am lucky. But right now I feel like I don’t want to get better. Sure, I’d love all the benefits of recovery and being free from all the mental and physical difficulties, but I’m not thin enough. I’m not sick enough. I haven’t been ill enough yet to let go. 

B is for Bottled Up

So I had a really calm, pleasant morning walking on the beach. (I’m so jealous my family live so close to such a gorgeous sea front!)

My mum insisted on taking photos. I find photos quite triggering because I am always of afraid of how I look. I have bottled up my feelings about things like this many times, and today the bottle burst. It ended up upsetting everyone, but atleast I’m not varying those feelings by myself now. I know their upset is just because they care, but if I don’t look ill then I’m not in my eyes. It’s so hard to accept. 

Shine on

Thanks to “eating disorder stuff” and “this sick foundation” for nominating me for the shine on award- I’m very touched.
Although I love having support from other bloggers, my blog is also a very personal way of sorting out my head. Putting the trials of ed life into words makes it seem a little less chaotic! I also love reading everybody’s pages and feeling happy for all of you on good days, and empathetic on the bad ones. Thanks πŸ™‚

Seven things about me:
I have brown hair
I love to perform
I love animals
I love to cook
I love speaking Spanish
I am the youngest child in my family
I love earrings

My nominations will be coming later …