So it would seem that I have taken an interesting approach to therapy:
I am doing what I’ve been asked in terms of scheduling food regularly throughout the day.
I am doing all the emotional diary stuff and challenging myself in anxiety provoking scenarios.
I’m taking my antidepressants.
What I am not doing, is accepting my body or eating more. Am I eating frequently? yes
Do I still want to lose weight yes Am I determined to be an ok (under) weight for my doctors appointment this month? yes
So I am doing better than I have done in the past. I mean, first time I had therapy I basically stared into space through my appointments and listened to sod all they said. But I’m hardly a model client now either. I just feel like I’m a waste of everyone’s time. If there was magic way to recover my mind but have a thin body, then I would be right there, cos I’m not in a place to accept my body or allow it to change in any way but down sizing. It is all so terrifying and right now I would give anything to be buried in a large hole.
I am committing to my therapy, and doing some pretty tough things, yet it is easy to forget anything positive I’ve done when all I’m thinking about is my stupid body.
I don’t want to get fatter. I’d rather be dead.
When I started this blog I was struggling to accept that I was a recovering anorexic who had started bingeing. Perhaps it is quite fitting then that tonight I have “binged” (or eaten what is considered a normal amount)
I feel pretty crap about it. Sitting here wondering whether I will be able to regain control tomorrow is playing on my mind. Since around August I have been losing, so I know a short period of time like this can’t effect what I look like…. but I think that it has.
All I want is to be back in control and eat my usual amount tomorrow. Part of me thinks that is totally realistic and fine; another bit of me is remembering where I was a year ago and is terrified of the binge, starve, binge cycle.
Promises to myself for tomorrow:
1. To do some toning exercises
2. Designate eating times and stick to them
3. Know that finally having time by myself doesn’t mean I need to eat. The desire to do so is just a reaction to feeling overwhelmed with living with 5 people.
When my ed began, I lost weight eating around X calories (don’t wanna talk literal numbers). Now, I eat similarly but usually do about 3 times as much exercise. I am terrified that over the holidays, despite maintaining my calories control, I will not have lost weight. My measurements (waist etc) aren’t bigger though, and the amount I eat is still a weight loss level .. so worried 😦 HELP?!
My logical brain tells me that my weight loss will have been slower, due to less opportunity to exercise while on holiday, but that my body needs more than I have given it just to run itself.
My ed says I must be fatter, disgusting, a failure.
Before I went through a binge/ starve or purge phase, I lost lots of weight by eating way more than a lot of anorexics. I became underweight & lost my periods even when I was eating between 1200 and 1500 calories a day. I suppose that has something to do with exercise (dance training is pretty active 😉 )
Now though, I know I am back in a restrictive phase (good bye bulimia for now!!) and I can logically tell that I am losing weight. However, I am scared that I won’t be able to lose on the same calories anymore?!
I know that amount of food does not sound anorexic, but when you exercise for about the same number of hours as the average person sleeps in a day, then the level of restriction compared to activity is pretty high!
So yeh. Scared. What am I going to do……
Right now I am marching on the spot as I write, having come in from a really nice evening out. Now everybody else has gone, I intend to finish my walking, do some sit ups, eat the specified food that I’ve planned, then read and sleep. Although it is technically Christmas morning, I haven’t gone to bed yet so it doesn’t count 😉
Merry Christmas to anybody who reads this, and if you have an eating problem, then I sincerely wish for you that it is alright food wise.