Sick of it.

I went to cbt today (which focuses on the anxious and depressive thoughts I have) and she wants me to have higher intensity treatment.
She also said “obviously in terms of how are you , bmi and what have you, you wouldn’t fit the ed service criteria.”
Well. Screw the system then.
Anyone who reads this and is from the UK can hopefully testify that the nhs system for eating disorders basically waits until you are on deaths door to help you. My parents and gp went to a lot of effort to get me seen by them back home, even though I had an underweight bmi, felt like crap and lost my periods. Although I know the system usually only allows for the most physically affected patients, her saying this has caused me to feel fat and disgusting.
Since September I have lost most of the weight I regained through my “rapid recovery” , which was in fact just my ed developing into bulimia.
I have so much more to say about how hurt and stressed out I am, but I just can’t find the words to say it. It’s been going on too long, I want to reach my weight goal and be done with it.(I’m well aware my last sentence basically screams disorder as in realistic terms I won’t ever be happy,)but whatever, I’m just sick of it all.

An epic day & a plan of action :)

Today I got my assessment marks at college and they have made me smile! My response to “you got the highest marks in the year” was “are you joking?!” I am so happy that my hard work has paid off, that my teachers like me, and that my psychological issues have not got in the way of either of those things.

After a tough day seeing a therapist yesterday, I am feeling mega positive after the surprisingly good news this afternoon! So, I have been thinking carefully recently about what I want to do about everything, and this is the plan:

-Reach the body measurements I have set myself, and then STOP. The weight I want to be is one that I have maintained on a healthy amount of calories before now, so I believe this goal is realistic.

-Accept the CBT appointment I’m waiting to receive in the post, and try to make the most of what I am offered. Become less anxious as a result.

-Continue to work hard in my studies, and do as much as I can to keep my ed stress outbursts to a minimum!

-Go to a youth ed group if I am eligible for the one I have in mind.

-Keep trying to accept that my eating disorder has to stop dominating my life if I want to have a healthier and happier life, but that I don’t have to abandon my ed label. My experiences and feelings will always be a part of me, because everything that happens is!

-Try to be more relaxed even when doing tasks that majorly trigger food stressing (such as getting food out in front of others.) 

Thanks to everyone for all the positive messages the last week or so. I always feel so supported when I know there are others who have ed’s who have been told they are fine, or who have had a tough time getting help/ getting help that’s actually useful, or who know how it feels to be trapped and not certain of what to do. I love that I’m not alone, and I think it is also good for me to be reminded that my problem is real & I do need to challenge it. Thanks… my blog is a very necessary outlet right now!

 

Anxious, positive and sad all at once…

So, I went for the awaited CBT assessment and I am going to get some for my anxiety, so I can hopefully go on to apply it to all the food stuff.

I am positive that getting some sort of help is now in the near future, but the whole thing did make me very anxious. I’m also annoyed by the fact that I mentioned how almost all my panic is about food, weight etc & she then felt it appropriate to say “you don’t have an eating disorder”

Although this was more a general statement than an accusation, I was hurt that she didn’t guess before I said that I did. It just made me feel like a not thin enough failure. I guess it is pretty dumb to dwell on that one point of conversation, but it all goes back to the fact that my ed feels like my protection, a piece of me… and above all, it is there every minute of every day in a very blatant fashion in my mind. All of a sudden I’ve realised that people only really see you from the outside. Of course, I take from this that I am not thin enough, and that I should be disgusted that my eating disorder is technically “atypical.”

Another mental argument I’ve also got going on is that I do have an eating disorder, so it’s ok and I don’t need to be freaking out…

Then there is the logical part of my brain that knows (very VERY deep down) that surely all of the above is insanity.

Will I ever get out of this? Am I even sure that I want to? Will getting thinner and people knowing more obviously about my ed really give me the twisted sense of justification I feel I need in order to give it all up? Would people even notice at all- I mean hardly anybody has noticed that I’ve never eaten at college infront of them (and we have been there 4 months)?

Everything is confusing. I am happy that some help appears to be on its way, but I’m worried that it won’t be right, or be enough help, or that I simply won’t be able to have a normal mentality.

Tomorrow is a scary day.

Tomorrow I have an assessment. I might get offered CBT. I have waited 3 months for this appointment. Why does a bit of me not want to go?

Sometimes I can imagine how awesome it would be to eat a proper diet, eat with others, enjoy food, stop suffering from anxiety and depression… but in my mental images of all of these, I am thin. 

Someone who I follow posted a link to “what a ballerina eats” and as a training dancer I was relieved and overjoyed to see that maintaining low body weight AND  good muscle mass is possible while actually eating properly! But of course, my body would take a while to get used to a maintenance amount. I am scared,,, very, very scared.

In my ideal of the upcoming months of my life, this is what would happen:
-I reach a weight that balances my wish to be small, but one that does not make my ed freak out
-I become more relaxed- both generally and around food
-I continue my training
-I go though with the CBT and the ed support group

I just don’t know if the above is possible. If it isn’t, then I don’t want to get better. I can’t be big, but I also can’t spend the rest of my life like this. As much as I find it nearly impossible to not associate my identity with my eating disorder, I do want to be able to do some of the things that I can’t do now… 

I wonder which way I will go…

Is it really a problem if I am sometimes happy with things this way?

I got a letter today about my assessment for getting more CBT. Right now there isn’t much in the way of ed specific help, and so I’m beginning to feel like maybe there isn’t even a problem.

This entire post is gonna be a bit rambly and muddled… just saying…

POINTS FOR NOT BEING A PROBLEM
1. My physical complaints do not include my organs or anything like that failing
2. I have less panic attacks than I used to
3. My thoughts of being dead have never led me to attempt to kill myself
4. I am still studying and having a life aswell as having all my problems too
5. I often feel that life would be horrible without actively controlling food
6. Getting thinner (even though I often don’t accept it as true) makes me happy

POINTS FOR BEING A PROBLEM
1. I spend part of almost every minute of the day obsessively thinking about my food
2. I am regualrly reduced to tears or not leaving the house because I believe I look too fat to go out
3. I cannot eat in the presence of others
4. I am incredibly anxious and upset in any situation that deviates from my normal food and exercise regimes
5. I feel unable to change by myself. I am compelled to want to be thin and to be obsessive about food, even at times when my problems are making other things difficult for me
6. I feel a burden to others
7. I get cold often
8. I get very lethargic a a similar point everyday, and sometimes have to take a nap as if I am 5 years old again!
9. My worries about my body, food and exercise can make me irritable towards people who have done nothing wrong
10. I feel limited by my feelings and behaviours in relation to my body and food (like not eating favourites, or being able to enjoy clothes)

Oh.. clear winner there.