Tomorrow is a scary day.

Tomorrow I have an assessment. I might get offered CBT. I have waited 3 months for this appointment. Why does a bit of me not want to go?

Sometimes I can imagine how awesome it would be to eat a proper diet, eat with others, enjoy food, stop suffering from anxiety and depression… but in my mental images of all of these, I am thin. 

Someone who I follow posted a link to “what a ballerina eats” and as a training dancer I was relieved and overjoyed to see that maintaining low body weight AND  good muscle mass is possible while actually eating properly! But of course, my body would take a while to get used to a maintenance amount. I am scared,,, very, very scared.

In my ideal of the upcoming months of my life, this is what would happen:
-I reach a weight that balances my wish to be small, but one that does not make my ed freak out
-I become more relaxed- both generally and around food
-I continue my training
-I go though with the CBT and the ed support group

I just don’t know if the above is possible. If it isn’t, then I don’t want to get better. I can’t be big, but I also can’t spend the rest of my life like this. As much as I find it nearly impossible to not associate my identity with my eating disorder, I do want to be able to do some of the things that I can’t do now… 

I wonder which way I will go…

Is it really a problem if I am sometimes happy with things this way?

I got a letter today about my assessment for getting more CBT. Right now there isn’t much in the way of ed specific help, and so I’m beginning to feel like maybe there isn’t even a problem.

This entire post is gonna be a bit rambly and muddled… just saying…

POINTS FOR NOT BEING A PROBLEM
1. My physical complaints do not include my organs or anything like that failing
2. I have less panic attacks than I used to
3. My thoughts of being dead have never led me to attempt to kill myself
4. I am still studying and having a life aswell as having all my problems too
5. I often feel that life would be horrible without actively controlling food
6. Getting thinner (even though I often don’t accept it as true) makes me happy

POINTS FOR BEING A PROBLEM
1. I spend part of almost every minute of the day obsessively thinking about my food
2. I am regualrly reduced to tears or not leaving the house because I believe I look too fat to go out
3. I cannot eat in the presence of others
4. I am incredibly anxious and upset in any situation that deviates from my normal food and exercise regimes
5. I feel unable to change by myself. I am compelled to want to be thin and to be obsessive about food, even at times when my problems are making other things difficult for me
6. I feel a burden to others
7. I get cold often
8. I get very lethargic a a similar point everyday, and sometimes have to take a nap as if I am 5 years old again!
9. My worries about my body, food and exercise can make me irritable towards people who have done nothing wrong
10. I feel limited by my feelings and behaviours in relation to my body and food (like not eating favourites, or being able to enjoy clothes)

Oh.. clear winner there.