Holidays, food & selfishness.

This wouldn’t post yesterday for some reason..

I ate Christmas lunch by myself & it was blissful. The fact that I was absolutely certain that nobody would come in or that nobody had looked at what I was having made me feel safe, happy and in control.

Although there have been a few too many social occasions surrounded by food the last couple of weeks, I really do love Christmas, and it has been a special day to me since I was very young. At a buffet today (family only) I told everybody I wouldn’t eat before we went to it. I am glad I stuck to that, but it was quite hard to be present in that situation; for some reason, being around food made me particularly on edge this afternoon. 

It is exceptionally challenging to maintain relationships and maintain my fears and rigidity over food all at once, and I am so relieved to have done both this Christmas. A little piece of me does however feel sadness that I can’t join in with these things without it ruining me emotionally for the day/ week etc….

I wonder if anybody else even really cared about what I was doing… I suppose that most of us are too wrapped up in our own thoughts and judgements to truly focus on someone else for very long, but even so, I do worry that people around me resent my lack of willing to eat socially. (Here comes the essay on selfishness) Is it selfish of me to choose my own comfort about eating, rather than place myself under pressure for the comfort of others? I guess it is, but as a person I do not consider myself to be selfish. Although much of my time is dominated by thinking about my food plans. or exercise, or my body, this is almost exclusively a negative activity. It isn’t having a love for myself, or done out of not caring for anybody else. In fact, I try so hard to please others and help my friends whenever I possibly can, but this also brings me pleasure so it I guess it is partially selfish too?

Nothing is selfless. I believe that everybody has their own unique balance of being kind to themselves and being kind to others. How often you think about yourself or others is irrelevant: surely it is the manner in which you think of yourself and others that matters. I hate myself a lot of the time, but there are moments (like xmas dinner) where I was “selfish”, in that others may have felt happier had I sat with them. In my eyes though, this was a small act of kindness to myself.

Everybody is selfish, but sometimes that is the only way in which people can be easier on themselves for a while. Maybe some weird part of my eating disorder is that I can only ever do things that may be seen as selfish in order to be nice to myself, as then, I am still punishing myself in some way?!

Even though they will probably not read this: thank you to my family for (mostly) acting ok with me doing my own thing and being somewhat awkward about all the food parts. I love all of my gifts and did enjoy my Christmas day and boxing day, even if that seems odd all things considered!


“Me” time on Christmas eve.

Right now I am marching on the spot as I write, having come in from a really nice evening out. Now everybody else has gone, I intend to finish my walking, do some sit ups, eat the specified food that I’ve planned, then read and sleep. Although it is technically Christmas morning, I haven’t gone to bed yet so it doesn’t count 😉

Merry Christmas to anybody who reads this, and if you have an eating problem, then I sincerely wish for you that it is alright food wise.

I love food (sort of)…

The average citizen usually assumes that anybody with an eating disorder simply doesn’t want to eat. I do want to eat, and whatever amount I am eating I like to prepare and eat it in my own perfectly organised fashion.

For me, this means cooking it to the precise minute, weighing it all out accurately, cooking alone, eating with matching cutlery, eating alone &  eating slowly. Although I can sometimes become afraid of gaining/ not losing enough weight whatever my intake is, I have a sort of love for eating in this obsessive kind of way.

A Christmas present to myself this year is going to be asking to eat alone… they said I can do whatever makes me happiest. 

Optimism & just being myself

Today has been really good- much to my surprise in fact! A few months ago, I loathed being in the house. Being around my family made me angry, emotional and uncomfortable, and I often thought I was a useless waste of space, time and people’s friendliness.

Even though I would still say I feel rubbish about myself much more than the average person, and I do still imagine being dead at times, I have somehow developed the ability to accept that this is how I am. This ability seems to have crept up on me, and all of a sudden I can battle my way through challenging days with the attitude that not being able to change in that exact moment is ALRIGHT. 

I got home after half a term of being away today. I haven’t seen many people as yet, but already the hugs and catching up is soooo enjoyable. I met up with somebody who has helped me more than anybody will ever comprehend throughout my “journey”, and as usual, they didn’t fail in making me smile and feel pride at how much control I have over some parts of my problems nowadays. 

Lying in bed right now I feel so happy to know such brilliant people. I know that I am no less eating disordered than I ever have been BUT I am a bit more mature and knowledgeable, and can handle it by myself much more. Until today, I never really valued that as an achievement, but I guess feeling in charge of things puts me in a place where I know I could fully enter into a recovery mind frame when and if I feel ready to.

Sometimes I wish I was physically very sick so that I could be an inpatient and justify my problem.I would never like anybody to question the existence of my eating disorder, but at the same time I don’t like it when people forget I also have my own personality. In reality however, I would be absolutely heartbroken at having my life taken away from me and having full time focus on food put in its place! I really hope that these holidays can be good fun- which entails being in control of food, my anxiety & emotions and sticking to my exercise plan. 

Reading this back, I can see that wishing for my holidays to be full of rules and structure must sound pretty messed up, but I know I will hate myself more if I screw up. 

Time for my first Christmas holiday sleep….. good night.

An unofficial Christmas…

As we are all off back to family for Christmas, we had our own celebration day today. It was actually lovely, despite all the food being present. I am so happy to be at the end of the day having not panicked at the dinner table, thrown up, eaten the wrong thing etc! For once I have done vaguely ok…

Thinking about the festive period I had last year, I am disappointed at how I handled myself. Thinking about all the secretive eating, crying, failing, exercising at night and insane food plans makes me sad. I really hope that I can stay in this restrictive pattern and not go into the ups and downs of last year, as I can feel pretty low at times as it is!

On a happier note, today has got me thinking of all those little Christmassy memories:

*Decorating the Christmas tree

*Sitting by a lit fire

*Playing board games

*Going out in the snow

*Seeing my favourite family and friends 


*Buying, wrapping and receiving presents

*Christmas music and films!

Happy December!