I have never really noticed it before, but where I am seems to have a big effect on what food I eat. Being in my hometown for a week has made me fall back into the patterns I had when I used to live here. Granted, my newer ones aren’t any more “normal” or better but there are specific foods which I plan into my days allowance when I am here, instead of some things I would normally have nowadays.
I guess this just reinforces that ED’s are more about emotions and feelings than anything else, as I connect certain food patterns with different places.
On another note, I am feeling like I am totally unable to show my real emotions at home. I can’t pinpoint why but however I feel, my guard is always up and I can’t tell my parents that I love them or that I’ve missed them while I have been away, even though I have had so much contact with my Mum. I am constantly aware that they are thinking about my weight, or my eating disorder and judging what I am doing. As parents I know that they will worry out of care, but it just makes me feel like such a useless child because I’m living away from home and still managing to cause them worry. The “ill” bit of my brain couldn’t care less about any of that. It says I don’t deserve to be comfortable with my family until I am thinner and better. I feel weak for giving into it; it tells me I am weak if I don’t. When will I win?!
Sometimes in your life you will go on a journey. It will be the longest journey you have ever taken. It is the journey to find yourself.