Wednesday’s words

Do you know what sucks? Being an injured dancer. Most of everyday is spent at college dancing, so my life feels all wrong. I was finally healing, but now I’m back to square one. 

Emotionally this is really tough. Watching my peers do projects and classes that I know I love so much is horrible. There’s also this horrible pressure I’m feeling to try to maintain my fitness even though I can’t walk properly right now. Crunches, arm circles, you name it, and if it’s doable on the floor then I’m doing it. 

The lack of normality and dancing is making my eating disorder crazy. I hate this sudden change and uncontrollable fears. 

In other news, my first appointment with a new therapist is on Monday. I’m nervous because my issues are so longstanding that it takes time for me to be able to get it all out and be honest. Being in the UK means that all my therapy is free but I’ve gone through many different parts of the service before getting to where I am now. 

I hope I can hold my shit together.. Right now it doesn’t feel like it. 

A positive post (for a change)

As an almost 19 year old, going out to pubs and clubs should be a part of normality for me. But last night was one of a small number of my nights out that I actually enjoyed. For the first time I danced along with everyone without worrying madly I looked silly… which is pretty dumb anyway, as dancing is what I do all day everyday!

I just had fun and this isn’t really the sort of good news I felt appropriate to share with my parents 😛

It was nice to feel like a regular teenager (minus the alcohol- don’t drink) for a night!

Perfection.

Despite my best efforts to tell myself that being perfect is humanly impossible, I can’t help but stay stuck in this all or nothing mindset: either I have the perfect body, the perfect achievements, the perfect food day, or I am nothing.

It is precisely this type of thinking that is responsible for any eating outside of my plan. Every time I’ve decided that I can never be good enough,or the tiniest gram of something extra goes in my mouth, I will always do one of two things: 1. Eat more unplanned foods, then purge/over exercise/ fast the next day/ take laxatives OR 2. Sit and cry alone for hours.

Today’s mental battle has been about whether my body is right to become a dancer. This has been constantly on my mind for years now, and no matter how much research I do the conclusion is always the same! No amount of physical perfection can replace technical ability, passion and performance. I know that there is a degree of flexibility from the ideal body that is considered acceptable, but my struggle with what my body even looks likes makes it hard for me to know whether I am ok or not…. I also know that hard work and training will sculpt my muscles further and make me look more like a dancer.

Since a tiny little girl I have always idolised the beautiful physiques of ballet dancers, and although I know dancers of similar styles (e.g. some contemporary performers) don’t usually look all that different to them, there is something about the corps de ballet all looking like perfect replicas of each other that I find so beautiful.

In my mind perfect would be thin, but with muscular definition, evenly proportioned between body and legs, long arms… Can I be all those things? At times I think yes, but at others I think I might as well just die now because I am never going to be happy with my body or be good enough a dancer, so who knows!

Writing this down has organised my head a bit and I hope that I can look and be the person I want to be. Instead of dwelling on the possibility that I can’t (makes a change) I am going to try to sleep and take it one day at a time- making each day the best that I can and try to strike some balance between having a good food day, and enjoying other things in my day. Here goes nothing…

“To dance is to be yourself. Larger, more beautiful, more powerful.
This is power on earth and it is yours for the taking.”

– Agnes DeMille