The worst thing is waiting. 

I admit it, this is hard.

I graduated from a professional performing arts college in mid- July. I’m now attending auditions, trying to keep up my skills and working towards getting that golden first job. The worst thing is that you can’t control when that time is going to come, because sometimes you get cut in the first round because of how you look, or because of some reason that doesn’t relate to ability that you’ll never be told about. I could be too short for one thing, too tall for another- it’s luck of the draw (and sometimes there aren’t any clear guidelines so you have to turn up and find out if it’s for you or not!)

In some ways I like the responsibility of my own fitness and health and life in general, but equally, it’s a heavy load. It isn’t as easy to work on your split leaps as it is to keep up an academic skill leve, I don’t know, like a maths degree or something!

Right now I’m sat in a Starbucks feeling a bit crappy. They made my  frappucino taste like shit and I just received an email from an audition to let me know I didn’t get the part. Although I don’t have huge confidence in my abilities, I do have huge passion. I know I really want a performing job; and I also know that patience is not my strong point. Perhaps something better is on the cards, but it’s difficult to feel positive when you have no idea what and when your path will head in a direction you’re aiming for.

I won’t ever get feedback to know why something didn’t go in my favour  (which does make it feel less personal I suppose) but also leaves my mind free to wander! How invested I feel in each potential job varies according to how much warning and preparation there was for it. It’s easier to let it go when it hasn’t been on my mind beforehand for very long. 

Rambling over. 

#performerslifr

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What I know about myself. 

My mental illnesses take up a lot of brain space, and that can make it hard to figure out my identity & what kind of person I am without all of those struggles.

1. Close friendships are very important to me. I’m not interested in meeting heaps of new people, or socialising in large groups. But if I’m your friend I could discuss life with you for hours! Those one on one relationships are of great value to me, and I try to be thoughtful and loyal to the small group of people who matter to me. 

2. I find it hard to admit I’m wrong. Most of the time I won’t make comments that I’m unsure about, but if I say something that’s incorrect then I HATE that I’m wrong. It’s imperfect, and I get cross at myself. 

3.  I like going for walks in the woods/ fields/ somewhere pretty. Quiet walks are soooo relaxing to me. (Especially if I’m staying with my parents and can take my dog!) 

4.  I am uncomfortable with conflict. I can’t deal with anger and find it best for my own sanity to walk away & have a calmer discussion at another time. 

5.  I’d always prefer to type a message to someone than speak face to face. I can be more honest and say things that are more thought out if it’s over messenger, and the time to construct what I want to say is important to me because it stops me stumbling and feeling embarrassed (which is how’d I’d feel if I had a conversation about a serious topic face to face)

6. I’m an animal lover. One day I will live in a house with lots of pets & give them so much love and attention. ❤️

7. Starbucks cookie dough frappucino is the best drink. I love it. I would have one everyday if I could. They rule. Ok you get my point. 😂

8. I’m not usually bothered about following trends or doing something because other people are. Unless I like something, I don’t wear it. It doesn’t matter to me if my style isn’t like other people’s, because it’s stupid to buy things you don’t like!

Colouring for Calm

I reckon this blog post is long overdue as my current love for colouring is just getting bigger and bigger… Colouring is what all the cool kids do, and for those who don’t exactly feel cool when buying a colouring book then don’t worry as all savvy-publishers have craftily named their books ‘art therapy’, ‘calming […]

https://dearestsomeone.wordpress.com/2015/08/27/colouring-for-calm/

Sh*t People Say to People with Mental Illness (Reblog)

Originally posted on wehaveapples:“We all get the blues!”? You: Um, so… I can’t function on a daily basis. I’m on the floor right now, unable to move. I’ve been sobbing for so long that I can’t breathe. This is my everyday. This is NOT “the blues.”? “Just be strong and put on a smile.”?…

https://dearestsomeone.wordpress.com/2015/08/20/sht-people-say-to-people-with-mental-illness/

Being a performer, being me, and looking forward. 

I’ve spent the day with a best friend of mine. We met through dancing classes about 15 years ago and our friendship has grown alongside our love of dance. 

We took class together at a London studio this afternoon and then watched an incredible peformance of Matthew Bourne’s The Car Man. (Seriously, it blew me away… GO WATCH IT!) okay, now I’m sidetracked… Where was I?

Right. Dancing. Lots and lots of dancing. So today was awesome. And watching shows always fills me with new inspiration and acts as a reminder of how much I utterly adore what I do. Being a performer is precious, and maybe that’s why lots of people are kinda clueless about it! 

As I’m typing this I feel full of positivity and my mind is thinking over plans of how I can work on myself over summer. I want this to be the summer for which I have no regrets. A summer where I enjoy myself and keep pushing to improve. I want to be stronger, fitter and better when this holiday is over. 

Does stronger mean sicker? No. Does fitter mean more tired from calorie restriction? No. Does better mean better at having OCD or an Eating disorder? No. 

Basically what I’m saying is that being me doesn’t have to mean being ill. I can be a person without all of that. I’m not entirely sure who that person is yet, but I know a few things about her:

The normal part of me likes clothing with animals on, likes playing with my hair, loves animals. The normal me likes chocolate. The normal me loves to read. 

That’s all for now. I am too lazy to proof read this, so enjoy the typos I inevitably made! 😂 xx

Friday Facts: awareness week

Sunday marks the end of Mental Health Awareness Week (no idea if this is just here in the UK) but anyways…I decided to just put out some statistics that really hit home how much mental health issues need addressing:

1 in 4 will experience mental health issues at some point 

Early intervention halves relapse rates in Eating Disorders 

33% of ED sufferers will make a full recovery. The rest will remain very ill, or experience high relapse rates

Every thirty seconds, suicide will claim another victim somewhere around the world 

Depression is in the top ten reasons for being signed off work

In the USA people with severe mental illness die 25 years younger on average 

1 in 10 children have a mental health problem at any one time 

Under 10% of the population have a diagnosable personality disorder

Under 3% of people suffer from OCD

9 out of 10 young people experienced stigma when “coming out” with their mental health problems 

Utterly at breaking point today. (ED TRIGGER WARNING)

I met a new therapist today and she was really nice. It went ok. Nothing about my day was unusually bad or difficult, but seeing my reflection in a bikini just pushed me over the edge. 

I can’t say I was exactly feeling positive and relaxed beforehand, but even so, I wasn’t expecting to be so upset because of a dumb mirror. I just looked horribly “normal”, you know, flabby, round, gross.. I didn’t look at all like I should considering I have a fucking eating disorder. I’m so exhausted at not being thin enough. I have been thinner than I am now, so what the hell am I playing at?! I’ve had years now to get back there, and I know people in my life just say I’m skinny to avoid upsetting me more. 

I’m on this mission with my eating disorder and I wish other people would help me, but apparently I’m destroying myself and they won’t help me do that. Well I’m either going to be a body size that doesn’t make me feel this way pretty damn soon, or I’m going to kill myself. I’m a joke of an ed sufferer. I don’t even think I have one anymore. 

I’m so wound up that I’m going to see how long I can go without eating tomorrow. Fuck this.